Go fuck yourself.

May is Masturbation Month. Personally, I don't know of anybody who saves up all year for the month of May. Maybe it's meant for masturbation awareness. You know, self love, stress reduction, health benefits, etc... I don't know. All I do know is that one year ago I  set out to participate every day in May along with Od, and I even kept a journal. No need to rehash the gory details. I'll tell you upfront - it ended disastrously. The activity did little more for my sexual relationship with my husband except to shine a glaring spotlight on all the areas that were failing. It was a big spotlight.

Sometimes I don't "see" a thing until it's written down. When I experience, then review and endlessly ponder a problematic situation, I lose sense of the reality due to the fact that I feel too much.  Because I'm female, I'm programmed to believe that my emotions hinder my ability to see clearly. At times that would be true. But it's an ugly, ugly thing to always be in a state of self doubt. Especially for this chick who considers herself decidedly un-wishy washy, and fairly confident with most of her life decisions. Keeping track, like I did last year in my MM journal, forces me to face the cold hard facts. Yes, it was an emotional roller coaster. But that fact alone was a red flag that things really weren't  as they should be. The last time my life resembled an amusement park I ended up not having sex for 3 years and 16 days. To help myself "see" clearly, this past year I've kept a fairly accurate record of my sex life. A fairly accurate, extremely sobering record. The details are better left to another post, but let's say that the word SOLO appears a lot more in that record than any other word that suggests I wasn't alone. And I'm strangely becoming okay with that. Hey, I'm a good lay.

So while I can't say that I have any plans whatsoever to celebrate Masturbation Month any differently or more frequently than all the rest of the equally delightful months, I can say that I splurged on a few new toys the other day and they conveniently arrived today.

Jopen vanity 5.5

Tantus Goddess Handle

I'm very excited about both. While I wish there were more color options than pink and purple, I'm willing to overlook that, since if they prove to work out well for me, I won't have my eyes open anyway! ;)

Now excuse me. I'm going to go wash my toys so I can fuck myself. Feel free to do the same.

Well, he tried...

Countless times I've begun posts in my mind, stringing words into phrases and pushing and prodding until they form cohesive thoughts. Then the reality of my current status kicks in and I tell myself that nobody wants to hear me complain. That's not who I am. Not what I'm here for. Not what my blog is about. So my name falls lower and lower on blogrolls and another week goes by when I cannot bring myself to write down the truth.

But the truth is (and I respect my readers enough to recognize that they understand life), that improvements don't last without proper upkeep. That bright and lovely shade of blonde will look ghastly in 2 months' time when there's a waterline of brunette haloing your scalp. Your car will leave you stranded if you fail to refill the gas tank with fuel. Weeds will overrun your garden, killing off the valuable plants if you don't pick up a hoe. And when riding a tandem bike uphill, if you stop pedalling at the request of your partner because you're going too fast, and that partner fails to pedal sufficiently, then you find yourself careening down the hill, backwards no less, unable to control how, where, or when the wreck will land. And then you sit on your bruised ass in shock for a long time wondering if it was an accident. You quickly realize it wasn't, but you can't figure out if you should blame your own bad judgement because you stopped pedalling, or your biking partner's lack of competence because...who the fuck just gives up and stops pedalling on an uphill climb?!?!

If you've guessed by now that that last little scenario is analogous to my sex life with my husband, then you win a gold star. I can get into the details of it all, and I will, even though I'm still scratching my head about it. (and tending to a sorely bruised ass) It will just take me some time. I've decided that I'm now treating this blog as a journal of sorts. There will still be sex stories, and life's amusing moments thrown in with my own brand of flippancy. There will also be cold hard truths of what it's like to have an unsatisfying sex life. (again) But the title of this blog still holds true. I'm determined to create something better, even if I'm creating by myself.

TMI Tuesday You want me to do what?

I'm not in the habit of giving things up. Not willingly. I don't like sacrifice. And temptation? We're besties like this *crosses fingers*. If I want a thing, then I want it. With my whole being. It's indulgent, perhaps hedonistic, and quite possibly greedy. Yes, yes, and yes. But it goes along with my life plan which is to be happy. So it's a good thing I wasn't raised Catholic with the weight of sin, guilt, and eternal damnation pressing upon my conscience.

I don't do lent. I tried once, for kicks and giggles. I started a day late and didn't make it out of that first day. *sigh...* See? Being told "No", even if by myself is really not my thing. But in the spirit of playing along, let's see what I come up with for this week's TMI answers!

Making Sacrifices and
Resisting Temptation

1. What did you give up for lent? I often think about what I should give up (even though I don't), and hand down my biggest weakness is sweets. I can go days and days without something sweet when I have the choice, but if forced to sacrifice, I'd be a raving mess. Final answer : I gave up lent for lent. :)

2. What sexually could you never give up? There are so many acts that I crave, that I don't get to participate in often enough, or at all anymore, that I do more settling than exploring these days. However, no matter the act, no matter the frequency, the make or break item in my sex life is passion. I need enthusiasm. I need for my energy and my efforts to be returned.

3. What act would you like to do for 40 days and 40 nights? Is that the length of lent? Does that tie in somehow? See? I'm sooooo not Catholic. Any one act would get monotonous if put on a 40 day loop save one : full body erotic massage. Touching all over, exciting all the senses, releasing oxytocin into the system, building intimacy, and just feeling good at the hands of someone else? Yes.

4. What sexual sacrifice have you made? Why? That's a tender question right now. I'm making a lot of sexual sacrifices at the moment. Sex in my home is infrequent. Since I stopped initiating (for the most part) about a year ago, I have no idea when it's going to happen. And I suffer emotionally in the downtime. I'm a sexually motivated person and it's hard for me not to judge the happiness of my marriage based on the amount of sex there is. Or isn't. And it's hard for me not to  take the disappearance of our kink life as his rejection to that side of me. Which turns out is a very important side. I'm learning how to deal with these changes, while maintaining my sanity. I sacrifice quantity, but I refuse to sacrifice quality. There have been times where I've turned him down, or shut things down in the middle because the chemistry is off or the energy just isn't there. That's a price to pay when one gets out of practice.

5. Have you aver been tied to a cross or anything else? I've been tied to bed posts, and restrained with straps to a bed frame. The receiving end of bondage has done nothing for me so far.

6. What part of your body do you like worshiped? My ass. And by my ass I mean my lower back all the way down to the backs of my thighs. But mostly my ass. Knead, massage, tickle, touch, kiss, lick, bite, and occasionally spank it. It loves all kinds of attention!

7. What can your partner do to you that makes you feel true bliss? Pay attention to everything that I've ever responded well to, or specifically asked for, and do it without me having to ask. Show me that you've been paying attention and know how to push all the right buttons, and for god's sake push them!

Bonus: Tell us about a time you were tempted. Did you give in or resist? One time during the 3 Years and 16 Days I was tempted to cheat with a capital C, and before I crossed the line I pulled back from the tempting friendship. I might give into pleasure and take a hedonistic stance in most areas, but there's a self-inflicted moral quality to which I've always upheld : Do the right thing and don't be an asshole.  That trumps temptation most of the time, that time in particular.
————-
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Two whole years

It only occurred to me this evening that it's my Blogaversary. Two years ago I made a rushed, late evening post as the introduction to my new blog, much like I'm making this post. *grins* It wasn't even original content. I copied and pasted the meme from someone else's blog.

Have a look for yourself.

I miss that time in my life. My sexual reawakening and kinky discoveries were shiny and new. There were sexual possibilities available to me that have now been politely cleared from the table. On the other hand, I've participated in some activities that I could not have foreseen. Some with, some without the company of my husband. I plan on exploring those adventure here. There have been some changes for Freya since we last talked.

I was curious to look over my originally posted  Sexual Bucket List and see if I can check any new items off. Good news! I have 2 answers to change from a no to a yes, and one amendment to make.

5. Have phone sex dirty talk, but not full on w/touching I can proudly say yes I've had phone sex. Twice!

37. Sexual role play not really. With the help of a creative and imaginative friend, I was able to step outside of myself for one scene and the mind fuck was pretty amazing.

And I was pleasantly surprised to change my mind about :

36. Using ice sexually oh yeah! that's a good story.......(for the record, I don't like cold sex)

You can read about why I wasn't a fan of ice here.  Well, after a particular blackout at the end of last July during a heat wave so hot that it made sleep nearly impossible...ice and sex are forever linked in my memory, putting a smile on my face.

You know what? Perhaps I should dust off the memory and write about it!

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. And if you find yourself alone today do what I recommended to a very close friend : Laugh. Smile. And love yourself.

But know at least that I love you, too. Thanks for sticking around. See ya soon!

*kisses*