I started a daily journal throughout the month for myself and for Od. A few days into May there was a marital catastrophe. For the previous 6 months (maybe longer?) I'd been getting glimpses and notions that our "better" was slipping backwards. I can see it in my previous writings occasionally. It was frighteningly familiar, although inconsistent. I was reading the signs carefully for a long time, not knowing if I was seeing an emerging awful pattern, or just intermittent bad days. It was easy to take a good day and think 'I guess things aren't getting worse.' But those days kept spacing themselves further and further apart. So, emerging awful pattern it was. We were due for a meltdown. (and by "we" of course I mean me. He can ignore something unpleasant for an eternity.) It took Masturbation Month and the intentional focus on our sexuality to bring it to a head. Which it did, relatively quickly.
The month could have been ruined only 4 days in, but I persevered. I think it was knowing I'd be posting the results that kept me from giving in. My emotions, my confidence, my energy, and my happiness all took some serious hits in May. So...for better or worse...I'm offering my daily journal as is, unedited, typos and all :
Freya's merry, merry month of May :
May 1, shortly after midnight : Can't sleep. Purple gspot vibe. Lubed up, massaged gspot gently, builing pleasure until fully aroused, squirted after a euphoric welling of sensations ended in a small burst of happy pussy tears. Not an orgasm, but satisfying. Took the edge off. Relaxed enough to fallasleep. Rating from 1-10: 4.
May 1, 11:30 a.m. : Purple gspot vibe again, added in bullet vibe on clit this time. More vigorous thrusting because I'm alone this time (no risk of waking Od). Build up intesnse from inside. A warm, calm, confident pleasure. No chasing required. Tipped over into orgasm easily. Slight gushing, not as much as last time. Back of my thighs feel rubbery, I'm cum drunk sleepy, and also famished. 30 minutes later I still feel glowing, humming, whatever low resonance adjective works here. rate 7
May 1, 7:45 p.m. : went for my hat trick after all. very clit aware all afternoon and evening, like it was a living thing of it's own, very demanding. I'm blaming the rain and stormy weather for the extra energy. anyway, used bullet on clit while watching gay porn. orgasm was a finicky little bitch and made me chase her down. took longer than other two in the day. rate 6
May 2, 11:30 a.m. : used lelo soraya. took a long time and switched up thrusting method a lot. finally came, but was working up a sweat. wth? sort of frustrated afterwards from the effort it took to cum. headache intensified, not receded. rating 6
may 3, 9 p.m. : joined od while he masturbated with my bullet.. played with gspot vibe while he played, waiting my turn. slightly distracted by his presence. i needed my bullet, so i waited, amped up the verbal volume to speed him along intentionally to push him over the edge. i was overstimulated internally by that time. light was on, i felt too exposed, too disconnected, even when he took over the gspot vibe. no foreplay, no kissing due to cold, it felt forced, i got close a lot of times, but extended vibrations numbed me out and it was too intense when he pushed firmly. i gave up, became emotional, things bubbled out and i found words for feelings that had been present for a few months. terrible timing. not pleasant. depressed afterwards. things are apparently not okay. no orgasm, but technically I masturbated. whatever. might be my sex life for awhile. fml. im nothing if not stubborn, though. im still gonna do this thing. fuck it. rate negative.
may 4, 8:30 a.m. : after shower before I needed to make the bed. used hands over chest, stomach, vulva, then panasonic vibe. couldn't keep mind from wandering to stressful thoughts over and over again. barely got a twitch or tingle of interest. more like a massage than masturbation but i'm counting it. no orgasm, no real desire for one. too depressed, upset, sad, whatever. sexuality and happiness go hand in hand. now i'm evenmore sure of it. better luck tomorrow, but i don't count on it. rating 1
may 5, 11 p.m.ish : exhausted from long day. Mentally, physically. Laying in bed trying to tune the thoughts and feelings of the day out, remembered I haven't had any alone time. I take a few minutes to play, explore with my hands. I confirm my pussy is still there, but not much else. Sad thing is, i could really use an orgasm to fall asleep, but my mind and body won't cooperate. I'm still counting it though. i made an effort. rating 0
may 6, after midnight (so technically the 7th) but within my waking hours, so it's still good in my book. Again, couldn't sleep, tumblred for a bit, tried to listen to music, then podcasts, then decided to give masturbation a try after having called the day a wash. I used my lelo and knew instantly that my body would cooperate. my pussy responded enthusiastically and after a few stop/starts because I tried really hard not to wake Od I finally came. It was with pleasure, it was with relief, and it was with enough release for me to use the oxytocin to fall asleep. I quickly cleaned up and made good use of the afterglow. Finally. rate 6 (if not for the pleasure level, than for the relief)
may 7, 10:30 am : I knew that I should make good use of my alone time because I was feeling the need for some ass play. I tried out the blue dildo previously used for Od, and i really liked the way it felt in my own ass. Laying on my side i reached behind me to work the dildo and after I found a rhythm, applied the bullet in between my clenched legs to hold the vibe in place. The angle was tiring after awhile and i tried something else that was new. I sat up on the bed and rocked with the dildo inside of me and used my hands to barely touch my clit. That was practically unnecessary. It took some time, but I had what can only be described as an anal orgasm. I don't know. It was gentle, mild, but extremely pleasurable, but not in the throbbing-clit-pussy-clenching kind of way. Weird, but I loved it. rate 7 for novelty.
may 8, 10:00 : again leaving it until down around the wire I seized the opportunity for solo pleasure. I was media multi-tasking...watching t.v. with my ears, reading on my epad and checking email, tumblr, and blog updates intermittently on my iPhone. Od went to take a shower so I used the guaranteed alone time. He has tragically poor timing in general : asking to help with grocery bags as I walk in with the last of many... calling me on the phone during the last 5 minutes of a movie I'm watching or during an exciting part of a book I'm reading...and of course walking down the hall or coming into the bedroom at a crucial moment while I'm masturbating. We joke about it, but yeah...now was not the time for disturbances. I had a good 15-20 minute window so I pulled out my bullet, and loaded some porn on my phone. I relaxed and worked the vibe back and forth in painting like motions over my clit while the soundtrack of a very verbal man receiving an apparently satisfying blowjob played in my ears. I just needed the sounds of pleasure. My orgasm was not a sure thing at first, but in the second and third play of the short clip I got worked up enough and eventually came at the same time as the man in the video. rate 6
may 9, late, after midnight but within waking hours, again, I'm counting it : we went out to dinner and a movie, on the way home he asked me a question that lead off our first direct talk about our problems since "the blowout". we continued talking for over an hour in the garage, resolved some hurt feelings enough to kiss and make up. it was a major relief. he offered that he'd kept his promise of reaching his goal save one day. I offered a tidbit about my activities and when we went to bed i broached the subject of helping each other out so we did. it was a comfortable reunion. lots of passionate kisses. i was only slightly nervous about including my breasts and any negative thoughts that might occur, but it wasn't a problem. we focused on my pussy, which was a nice change to be honest. using the penis sleeve like a dildo he fucked me and I used my vibe on my clit. i chased that feeling all over the place and had what felt like a gspot orgams, (thought i gushed, but no) and the prolonged vibrations were beginning to tingle/burn and the intensity became overwhelming. it took a few thrusting tempo changes to get in "the zone" where i felt the orgasm building and i think the tenseness of the last few days had me on edge and holding in but he said all the right things encouraging me to let go...so i did. it was cathartic. pleasurable, intense, but more like a healing. right after i asked him to pull the toy out and with a growl i rolled him over, mounted him and rode him. he stopped me long enough to yank my tank top off and with spirit in his mouth he gripped my hips and set the pace to a quick and easy orgasm. sleep soon followed along with the best 5 hours of sleep i've had in a week. thank fucking god. rate 7
may 10 : i totally dropped the ball. no masturbation. no orgasm. i was happy to crawl in bed next to a sleeping Od and curl up to his back while I scrolled through tumblr on my phone. i welcomed the comfort and the sleep that soon found me. no desire to masturbate.
may 11 : watched a video clip on my phone and used the panasonic vibrator on my pussy over the sheet and came at the same time as the guy in the video. easy, quick. rate 5
may 12, late at night : after we nursed od fingered me prepping with lube then sucked on my nipples while i steared the lelo. rate 6 afterwards we had a surprisingly long sex session. i worried somewhat that he wouldnt be able to finish. side effect of building stamina. he worked up a sweat!
may 13 : i skipped. not even vaguely interested so i didnt force it. lazy rainy day. i spent the last few hours of the day in bed reading and im sure (as i was nude) that my hand wandered between my legs to pet. if that counts. it was with no intent for pleasure, just wandering hands...because i could.
may 14, morning : i joined od while he masturbated after we nursed before getting ready for the day. i used my panasonic at his suggestion. i got distracted watching him and turned it off after he came. while he wandered around playing beat the clock i tried again, and through that buzzing numbness that sometimes occurs I came. short, quick, mild. slightly a letdown, but still okay. a side effect of early morning (not my best time) being distracted (by watching od instead) and no physical connection (feeling on display) rate 4. BONUS, late evening: after tumbling for awhile I found a video that got me hot and bothered for some pussy licking so I molested Od when we went to bed. He did a superb job in my favorite position (him on his knees at the end of the bed and my ass on the edge with my legs draped over his arms/feet resting on his shoulders) then fingered me until I had a gspot orgasm and we had some seriously hot sex afterwards. It was physical, aggressive, and I squirted for the first time while having sex. Fucking awesome. rate 6
may 15, : used the panasonic after my shower along with the purple gspot vibrator I have. left a huge wet spot. again. rate 6
may 16, : one of those days where it was fine, la la la until a certain point. then unexpectantly it went to utter massive shit. I actually hid downstairs on my laptop for a few hours until the kids went to bed, then I still needed to zone out so I watched amovie until after midnight. went to bed exhausted. didn't even cross my mind.
may 17, : used lelo while I watched some porn on my phone in the bedroon. it was a stress reliever mostly and a to-do item on my list. didn't want to miss another day. but it was pleasureable and easy to achieve. i like those days. rate 6
may 18, ???
may 19 , Od licked my pussy and used purple gspot toy, then I used bullet on my clit as he continued with toy. i came easily. rate 5. Then had sex although he didn't cum as he'd already cum on my ass from grinding earlier.
may 20 early evening : He used the penis sleeve to fuck me as i controlled bullet. a gspot stimulated orgasm combined with clitoral. rate 6 would be 7 but my pussy squeezed the toy out on the downthrust and got refused re-entry and slipped on my vulva and clit painfully. then i climbed on top and rode him briefly until he came.
may 21 after late night argument the previous night i dont want to do anything. no sex no masturbation no nursing. im just so tired.
may 22, : nope
may 23, afternoon: two orgasms in a row using lelo while watching porn. rates 5 and 6
may 25, bedtime : od used penis sheath on me after going down, and i used bullet. rate 7
may 26, afternoon : after oil bath i used purple gspot vibrator in my ass, bullet on clit, came fast!!! rate 6 evening : sucked od's cock at edge of bed while he fingered me leaning over me, then fucked me doggy style on bed while i used the panasonic rate 7
may 27-30, period. no play. gave Od handjobs, 2 i think.
may 31, noon : lelo watching porn. easy, quick orgasm right on the surface with no warm up and little pressure. gspot verrrrrrry sensitive. actually had to edge for a minute or two so it wasnt over too quickly! rate 5 (day 5 of period)
I did some note taking and after tallying specific results I found that :
- I masturbated 23 times
- I had intercourse 5 times (really. that's all. very telling)
- in all that activity combined I had 19 orgasms
- only one orgasm was without the help of a toy
- my average pleasure rating of a sex act was 5.12 out of 10.
- I squirted 4 times
- my ass was involved 2 times. (solo self play only. also very telling)
- 9 times there was either no masturbation or no pleasure involved whatsoever
- 3 times the sex act left me feeling worse afterwards
- Od and I were together for 10 out of 28 sexual acts
- he was solely responsible for my orgasm only one time
- I used porn 6 times
- my most used toy is a bullet vibrator (10 uses) followed by a tie between my Lelo soraya (6) and my purple gspot vibrator(6) followed by my trusty old Panasonic personal massager (5) and trailing that is the penis sleeve as a proxy dildo (3) with the Vixen dildo and my own hands coming in last (1)
There. I said it.
I noticed the change when I decided to pull back on my efforts to initiate everything. I let him lead. Only things didn't go very far. It occurred to me that my successful sex life was a product of my own fabrication. He was willing to play along. But I found myself doing all the work. Really? How much work is the right amount before it begins to feel like coersion? Coersion's not sexy. It doesn't make my pussy wet. It doesn't give me the feeling of being wanted. I'd go so far as to say it made me feel as if I was forcing myself on him and he was politely tolerating me.
And we can forget about anything kinky. Aside from a brief stint in his cage back in March...there's been nothing. Hints and empty promises, but not much more. I'm bored sexually. It sounds harsh. I don't mean it to be. Yet, it's the truth. On one level, there's the things I'd do if I had a willing partner to get my hands and toys on. On a lower level, there's the things I get to participate in indirectly, which calm my inner kinky beast temporarily while at the same time causing frustration because I can't be there. Then under that, there's the tangible day to day sexual relationship that I'm in. It's lacking. I find myself more frustrated than satisfied. I'm becoming a spouse who settles for less. And that's a sad thing. We had so much promise. We tried things out, dipped our toes in a lot of kinky waters, but ultimately he chooses to only think about kinky things and I actually prefer to do them. Need to do them. I feel like Benny in Circle of Friends when she gives her speech about being marched to the top of the mountain to see the whole wide world only to be told "That's what you can't have, you stupid article!!!" And then she gets marched back down to continue on with her previous existence.
Will this change? Right now I'm doubting it. Can I be happy with a man who loves me and shows it romantically, just not enough sexually? Yes I can. But I'll be paying a price. Let's hope I don't go broke.