...but chastity just doesn't seem to be in the plans for us right now. And by us, I mean Od. Let me clarify - I would love, love, love to have my husband locked up on a 24/7 basis except for when I want him out. Which would be often, so the question begs...what's the problem? *sigh* He doesn't like the cage. It irritates him. It's not comfortable for long term wear. And based on what he offered - to wear it occasionally while he's around me, not at work, no plans to go anywhere, etc. - I'm just not interested. I would be taking it off of him for access to his cock more often than not. And by him dictating where and when he's willing to wear it breaks the spell for me. It robs me of the thrill of control. That was the biggest draw for me. I was also wanting him to obtain a high level of pent up desire that would ideally transform into more attention for me. With or without a cage, that should be happening because he still only cums when I choose, only it's not happening.
What finally put the nail in the tiny dick shaped coffin was a conversation we had late one night as I tossed and turned in bed. I do this when I can't sleep and I couldn't sleep because I was frustrated. Frustrated at the lack of sex, the lack of effort, and the lack of attention. He asked me what was wrong and I unleashed it all. Little by little all the tiny truths leaked out. I told him I was tired of doing all the initiation. I told him I needed his reciprocation. I needed to be wanted. To be shown that I was desired. He's hardly ever turned me down, and is almost always a willing participant in whatever we do. However, there comes a point (and I had reached it) where I feel like a puppet master and he is merely jangling on the strings with a painted on smile. I prefer a real live boy.
I talked, he listened. Then shock of all shocks - he talked some while I listened. He's rather buttoned up when emotions are involved. I heard what he said, and then I heard what he meant. He had some misunderstandings and there were some things bothering him. He thought he was offering me submissiveness in the form of passivity and hoping that would make me happy. I explained the difference to him. Truly, he's not a submissive man. I know that now. There are tendencies. But that's about all. I would call him compliant. He likes to make me happy and will do what I ask. God, just typing that makes it sound bad. It sounds like I'm saying "boring". I don't mean to, and yet I can't say that I wasn't under stimulated. I have sexual triggers that weren't being set off, which left me in charge of getting myself turned on, left me in charge of initiating sex, and quite frankly doing a good portion of that work as well. He thought that's what I wanted. Od also took the opportunity to reveal that he wasn't on board about wearing a chastity device. Granted the one he has is more novelty, and I told him a better piece would be more comfortable for longer wear, then he hemmed and hawed about being nervous that I'd have him locked in too long. That's when he offered to wear it around me, at home, on the weekends. I know chastity is a sex game, but playing pretend isn't in the game description. If he doesn't enjoy it, then I don't want it. Yet I still really do. I'm conflicted. I know he was being GGG by offering a compromise on the situation, and I'm not ruling it out 100%. But I sadly recognize that I won't be getting what I really want. He's just not as into it as I am. And that ruins the game for me.
I thought that if we made it to one year of rediscovering our sexuality together that things would be okay. We're closing in on two years, but the last three months have me panicking. I'm seeing the old signs. If left to it's natural course without my interference, I know just where our sex life would veer. After all, he is the man who went three years and sixteen days without ever asking me about sex or why we weren't having it. I'm suspicious that he may have low testosterone. Or a really low libido. I don't know? Maybe he's just not that into me? LOL *groan* I say that jokingly, but it does strike a niggling fear in the back of my brain because there are days when I just can't figure him out. He's not a typical male at all. I boldly asked him if he knew how many men would kill for what he has : a willing wife with a healthy sexual appetite and who likes to experiment and has an open mind. His response was so noncommittal I can't even remember what it was.
I'm not unhappy with him. I just need some changes. If I'm giving something up (like chastity) then I'd like something else in return (like him taking charge sometimes). I mean, I know I told y'all about my cock and the things I like to do with it, but I still want to be the girl, ya know?
So for now, I continue to read other blogs, flip through Tumblr accounts and crave. I crave desperately and I want fiercely. Kink has become my Pandora's box. I'm afraid there's no closing the lid. But what do I do with it now?