TMI Tuesday Big O, Little O, mine, or yours - I like 'em all

My first waking thought today wasn't *gasp* "It's 9/11" followed by swooping sentimentality of all that it means to live in the U.S. in the aftermath of what happened on this particular date years ago.

Instead, I woke to the thoughts of my hair appointment, my daughter's doctor's appointment, when I would squeeze the morning walk with the dog in, did a mental checklist of all my class prep work for tonight, and then I subtracted a few minutes from the "getting ready" column and added them to the "getting off" column.

On this date of September 11, 2012 I choose to celebrate the life affirming beauty that is all around me, with all of it's responsibilities, all of it's freedoms, all of it's simple joys, and I'm thankful for being able to do that. I'm living life how I choose to live it and I do what I can to be happy. That's how I respect the memory of people no longer with us, no matter the way in which they left us.

I prefer quiet observation rather than showy, public offers of respect.

So on this gorgeous day with a bright sunny sky and hardly any humidity to undo my new 'do, I took the scenic route on my walk, I gave an extra wide smile to fellow walkers, I played with my pup just a little longer and gave him a treat before breakfast just because I could, I revelled in the spare time I have today because I'm on top of my game and I'm ready for class, and also because I made an effort to start the day off relaxed and with a smile.

This week’s theme “Orgasms” and the questions are brought to you by Naughty Tashamber.

The Big O

1 – Do you remember your first orgasm? How old were you? Tell us about it. I can recall masturbating fairly young. Probably 7 or 8 years old. Not with any knowledge or expectation of results other than "when I do this thing it feels really good and I should probably keep this to myself". I don't remember if I had an orgasm that young. I do remember having them at age 11. I didn't know they were orgasms. I associated this fabled orgasm as a pleasurable part of sex with a partner. I wouldn't know that I had indeed been having orgasms until I was 17 and had my first partnered orgasm. I recognized the building sensation and was elated at figuring out that puzzle. It was an unforgettable moment of self discovery.

2 – What is your favorite way to orgasm? (Sex, g-spot/p-spot, oral, etc). Through deep penetration with body to body contact and clitoral stimulation. Currently that means that I was fucked with my Vixen Mustang dildo strapped into a knee harness with a bullet vibe pressed between us against my clit. Must. Do. That. More. Often. I was so drained that I couldn't move afterwards. God, I love his legs.

3 – Are there any ways you want to experience an orgasm but haven’t yet? (oral, p-spot/g-spot, with or without a vibrator, squirt, etc). I'm pretty lucky and versatile as far as orgasms go. I've done a lot of personal exploration, and for all my frustrations in the anatomy/sexual pleasure department, I have a lot to be thankful for. However, I'd love to be able to experience multiple orgasms with a partner, the rolling, connected kind of orgasm after orgasm with out a vibrator.  I'm not wired that way, though, I don't think.  Also, if ever once in my life I experience an orgasm through double penetration involving two men and their cocks I would die an extremely happy woman.

4 – Have you ever had an orgasm in your sleep?   I don't really have many sex dreams. I woke up once from a dream on the verge of orgasm, but the shock from having that particular dream chased it away. The sex dreams that I do have are vivid, usually bizarre, and I get more caught up in the storyline than the pleasure going on, or somehow my brain edits out the pleasurable parts. My sleeping brain is a cock blocking asshole. 

5 – What is the easiest/fastest way for you to have an orgasm? Usually by fantasizing about something from my taboo list. If I'm mentally aroused then it doesn't matter if I use my fingers (the least dependable of my methods) or my strongest vibrator.

6 – How many times a week do you try to reach orgasm? I don't try. I just do. Or I don't. Usually it's at least one or two just to stay sane. Closer to 6-10 if I'm having a good week or I'm hormonal.

7 – Have you ever had an orgasm at the same time as your partner? Who normally cums first? Yes, we've had simultaneous orgasms. It was fun and nice that we could experience that in the beginning of our relationship. We don't cum at the same time anymore. Well, rarely. This is for a lot of reasons. Our style of sex has changed drastically. Sometimes there's no penile penetration. What gets me off has changed drastically. Sometimes he's more of an assistant than a director. How long he can last during  has changed.  I'd like this to change but I work with what I've got. And sometimes, just sometimes, his orgasm isn't even on the menu. No matter the sex act that's going on, though, I've become a big fan of separate orgasms. I enjoy mine more thoroughly when it's just about me in that moment without any distractions. I don't feel like I'm missing out on my favorite show. And during his orgasm I prefer to be 100% present in the moment for him, so I can watch and listen.

In a mutual situation where both of us are aiming for an orgasm, though - I cum first.

8 – Can you have multiples? I can have more than one orgasm in an extended session using toys. Typically two is my limit unless I use my Panasonic "back massager", then I can go for more (last week I think I timed 6) but they are not as enjoyable as the two back-to-backs that I enjoy with other toys. Sometimes I'm just greedy and I like having more just 'cause I can, and I like the sweaty exhaustion from working so hard to get that many.

9 – How long does it normally take you to reach orgasm? By myself, average is 5 minutes. Longer if my imagination is rusty or my iPhone takes a long time to buffer the video clip. With a partner it can be just as quick or take much longer if we're having an off day and not in sync.

10 – Have you ever faked one? Yep. I wish I could proudly state how dishonest and counterproductive it is to fake and that I've not done it, nor would I ever. The truth is, when I was younger and experimenting with sex acts I didn't have the courage to ask for what I wanted or to give directions if I needed a change. I was experiencing pleasurable feelings, regardless, and the only way I knew to express that was through faking it. It was immature and a clear sign that perhaps I wasn't ready for sex. But my offenses didn't end there. I've faked it plenty throughout my marriage. At times when I knew for certain that he was suffering a tender ego, and I didn't want to detract from his pleasure, I've faked it knowing that his unhappiness in not pleasing me might make him hold off longer on future encounters. Things have changed for us a lot in the past 2 1/2 years, where sexual pleasure and satisfaction does not always equal orgasm, and I'm honest and up front about everything now. In the long run I know this is better for us, even if there's still some frustrating days.
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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

TMI Tuesday

Hey there blog readers! Hello? Anyone still there? Oh - there you are. :)
I'm diving back into writing. I have some things to say, some stories to tell, and issues to get off my chest. I forgot how cathartic writing things out could be. I've been easily distracted by tumblr, along with the general distraction of not having any alone time for almost the entire summer. Whew! It's been way too long. In more ways than one, but I'll get to that later.....

Gettin’ Off

1. Have you ever initiated a booty call? I've participated in intentional hook ups, but that's different, I suppose. I can only recall one time in person where I initiated a booty call. I showed up at his door after work on a school night for the sole purpose of getting laid. He obliged me. Then sent me home so I wouldn't be late and get in trouble.

2. Have you ever accepted a booty call? Of sorts. I received an email from someone who needed help getting off to kill some time in an airport. I provided the words and scenario tailored to his likes and he was very grateful. I have the video as proof!

3. Ever had a “friend with benefits” relationship? How long did it last? Are you still friends or acquaintances with that person? Are you still having sex with that friend? The closest I've come to that is when I agreed to go to prom with Jeff if we were both single at the time (which we did) and somehow that morphed into a relationship. With benefits. So no, not really. Mostly I've been single, dating around, or in relationships. I could use a FWB, to be honest.

4. Tell us about your best one-night stand, what made it so good? This  is tricky...mostly because all my one timers were so long ago, but also because there were good and bad aspects to nearly all of them. I could easily pick the worst of all my singular encounters (Randy in the pool) but the best? Hmmm...surprisingly I'll go with Shawn. He was the slutty friend of my friend's boyfriend and we were drinking (hello lower inhibitions) and I was underage. It should have never happened, but I wasn't so young that I couldn't appreciate his comical attitude, his fun nature and the fact that he went down on me very well before he assumed it would be okay to wave his dick in my face. He in turn was appreciative of my burgeoning blow job skills. He even sang to me afterwards, praising me. He flattered me, showed me a good time, and made me laugh, even if he didn't make me cum. The only downside to the encounter was the brief period of time afterwards that I worried over the possibility of contracting an STI from him. Like I said, he was a slut.

5. When was your last one-night stand? August 1991 Navy Boy

6. What’s the grimiest, dirtiest place that you’ve had sex? I've had sex on a store floor before, but on a blanket so no, that doesn't count. In my car, but the front seat was tidy, so no. A pool - there's chlorine to kill bacteria. A shower - the epitome of clean fun. Outside in the grass perhaps but only my backside.....Wait. Nope. I got it. The time me and boyfriend #1 had sex doggy style in the middle of my childhood elementary school's playground field. My hands and knees ended up getting muddy and we had to walk uptown to the gas station (nearest public restroom) to clean up before going back to my house. My mother had eagle eyes and would notice any suspicious behavior once we returned.
 
Bonus: What’s the one random thing you wish your friends knew about you? I have a handful of very good friends. People that I let in already know the things I  wish they would know. It's hard to earn my trust and easy to lose it, so when I have a good friend, I'm an open book.
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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

TMI Tuesday 7/31/12

The Comfort and Thrill of Sex

1. How do you feel about giving anal sex (penetration with penis, finger or sex toys)?
a. I love it.
b. I enjoy it.
c. I’m ok with it.
d. I don’t really enjoy it.
e. I don’t enjoy it at all.
f. I have never given anal sex.
g. I have never given anal sex, but would like to start.
(a) I love it! Bend over for me baby. Penis, fingers, sex toys? YES TO ALL! (okay it's a proxy penis in the form of a dildo, but still...) There's a certain trust involved that I love, plus the added intensity of his orgasms are very nice. One of my goals is to give him a hands free orgasm through prostate play. He'll need to be more comfortable with his own ass before that ever happens, I think. It's a work in progress. We don't play with his ass enough to have figured out the magic combination.

2. How do you feel about receiving anal sex (penetration with penis, finger or sex toys)?
a. I love it.
b. I enjoy it.
c. I’m ok with it.
d. I don’t enjoy it at all.
e. I have never received anal sex.
f. I have never received anal sex, but would like to start.
(a) I love it! I enjoy anal very enthusiastically, when the mood is right. I know my body well and listen to clues as to how I want to get off. I get a craving for anal play (for myself) maybe once a month.  I'm not above telling Od to use his fingers, to grab my plug, or to fuck me in the ass. It's better though when he offers it because he knows I enjoy it. Coincidentally, he offered last night and it was fanfuckingtastic! I've learned two curious things about anal stimulation for me : 1.) my pussy gets wetter than ever when something is placed in my ass. It makes no sense to me, but it's instantly soaked. 2.) once I cum, all placement and movement of whatever is in my ass needs to stop immediately. It goes from 'ohmygodthisisthebestthingEVER!!!' to 'okaystopgetitoutnowpleasegetitout!!!'. There is no such thing as round 2 with anal.

3. How do you feel about getting undressed in front of a new lover, for the first time, as he/she watches you?
a. It’s a turn on for me.
b. It turns me on a little bit.
c. I like it, but only because it gets him/her going.
d. It does nothing for me.
e. I don’t like doing it because I am shy.
f. I don’t like doing it because I think it’s immoral/improper.
I can't even remember what that feels like. I've not had a new lover in almost 21 years. (and Jesus, just typing that seems weird) It's not a turn on, because I have a thing about being watched. That in itself is strange because I'm a HUGE voyeur, but being watched closely, or silently, or intently almost makes my skin crawl. If I'm being touched, or there's talking or some other distraction it's not too bad. I don't really understand why this is. I have no problem being naked, getting naked, and lord knows I've done a strip routine a time or two...this is probably a topic better left to a therapist. ;) And I can't honestly say that it does nothing for me, because it does to an extent, plus it means there's most likely going to be sexy times. Woohoo! But the feelings are tempered with that dreaded feeling of being inspected. And it's not that I don't like it because I'm shy. I'm not a shy person. Like...at all. And we're all aware that most sex bloggers don't have many issues with natural acts being immoral or improper so that's definitely out. I'm drawing a blank on this one. Oh hey, I know! Maybe I need a new lover to try this out with and I can get back to you with an answer. Yes?

4. Do you express your sexual pleasure with moans, groans, sighs, and other noises (provided that you are actually turned on)?
a. Yes, each time I have sex (90-100% of the time).
b. Yes, on most occasions (70-89% of the time).
c. Yes, on some occasions (40-69% of the time).
d. Yes, on a few occasions (10-39% of the time).
e. Yes, but only on special occasions (1-9% of the time).
f. Never, not even when I am really turned on.
(a.) I make a lot of sounds and am free with them. It turns Od on to hear me and I use my sounds to let him know when he's REALLY doing something right. Words tend to fail me in the actual act, so sounds are good. Loud sounds are better.

5. Do you talk to your partner in a sexually explicit way?
a. Talking dirty is one of our favorite activities.
b. Occasionally, I like to talk dirty with my partner, and I do it with ease.
c. I talk dirty with my partner, but it feels awkward.
d. I would like to talk dirty with my partner, but I don’t dare for fear of being judged or ridiculed.
e. I would like to talk dirty with my partner, but she/he isn’t into it.
f. I don’t talk in such a way because I think it is inappropriate.
g. I don’t talk in such a way because I can’t bring myself to do it.
Probably (a.) Curiously though, we do most of our dirty talking outside the bedroom. Our daily conversations are filled with innuendos and codes, and when the kids aren't nearby it's downright filthy. I say things often to test his boundaries and to gauge him sexually. I also like to threaten to do things to him. It's fun because it makes him smile this sweet little boy smile that is part amusement, part disbelief. He's come to find out that I'm not always joking. Foolishly, he admitted to liking me this way. It's our own mild version of consensual non-consent, if you will.

6. What kind of animal do you most sound like when building to a climax?
a. quiet little mouse
b. low moaning wolf
c. screeching beluga whale
Well, I don't squeak and I won't make your ears bleed, so I'm left with option (b.) That's not exactly right either. Maybe a growling wolf, if I've had a hard time chasing down an orgasm, but more likely a panting wolf. I do this breath holding thing when I get really close. Then when I actually cum, all bets are off as to the sound that comes out.

Bonus: Which do you prefer comfort sex or thrill-seeking sex? Why?
Comfort seekers value deep intimacy, quiet engagement and trust over time of familiar relationships. For them sex is best as a safe, loving nurturing space.*
Thrill seekers value wild energy, adventure and novelty; they are willing to try open relationships, testing themselves outside average sexual practices. These folks crave a place to push the boundaries of new experiences.*
Both. I want it all. The perfect situation is to have all these options. Some days it's lazy, reconnective, let me show you I love you sex, and other times there's a driving passion to pull out the bag of tricks, do some research on a new technique and fuck each other silly. I never want to get to a place where there's nothing new left. I do believe that the comfort and familiarity needs to come first, but the relationship doesn't need to stop there. I've said it before, but sex is like recess for adults. It's where we play and simply enjoy ourselves. Tag and hopscotch are great, but will get stale if that's all there is. I like swings, I like slides, I want the whole fucking playground. And maybe, just maybe, I want to share my toys and go play at a friend's house, too. ;)

*Adapted from Susan Mernit’s blog

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

TMI Tuesday Let's Go To Bed (yes, let's!!!)

Let’s Go To Bed

(Yes that is an invitation as well as a song by one of my fave groups The Cure. –Hedone)

The perfect bedroom. Sleep in cool sheets, have hot sweaty sex, take a dip to cool off. Rinse. Repeat.

Allow me to preface my answers with a few words. It should be alarming to me that I got excited and squealy over this week's TMI topic. Much more than last week's - and that was about kink. Y'all know how I feel about kink. The summer lazies have a tight grip on me and I've spent hours and hours in my bed relaxing, reading, hiding from my kids, trying out new toys, napping, watching movies, etc...I'm not even kidding when I tell you that the words "hey look.....I'm vertical!" have been announced to no one in particular as an actual  accomplishment.

I sincerely love my bed. Carrying on........

Most importantly it is the theme of this week’s TMI Tuesday. Tell us about your bed.

1. What size (King, queen, full, twin)? My bed is a queen. If I had the room for it, it'd be a king, but our bedroom is close quarters as it is with the queen.

2. What mattress construction (conventional springs, air bed, water bed, Tempurpedic-type)? I'm the lucky owner of a Tempurpedic-Cloud Luxe. It's fucking spectacular. It's like a full body hug every time I lay down. I actually moan at times from the sheer pleasure of becoming horizontal.

3. What type furniture (just a frame, headboard/footboard, canopy, trundle, etc)? Describe. Well - we removed the headboard and footboard (which had canopy posts that we never utilized) a long time ago "to make the room more spacious". That's what we said. What it really meant was : they squeak too loudly during sex and Freya strains the headboard too much by pushing on it! That was our old bed. On our new-ish bed we  have just the mattress and a weird platform base that needed somewhere to go other than the floor. We (and by we I mean Od) took the opportunity to...uh, customize the new frame. It's shaped like a tic tac toe board with open edges that make nice storage compartments, it's super sturdy (no squeaking), and it conveniently has multiple points where hardware has been affixed for restraints. Due to the nature of the memory foam mattress and the sturdiness of the frame Od could fuck me, or I could fuck him, into oblivion and anyone in the house will be none the wiser. Theoretically. There's still human noises to account for. ;)

*let me make note that even though the bed skirt hides the hardware, I've had to hold my breath and shoo them out quickly when I find one of the kids looking under there for the cat. We now have a locking set on our door, and I lock it all. the. time.

4. If your bed has headboard/footboard or bedposts, have you ever been tied to them? Ever tied anyone to them? For what purpose? I was tied to the old bed using ropes and at the time I hated it. That was when it was still my bed in my childhood bedroom. I took it with me when I moved out. I have been restrained to the new bed using adjustable straps, cuffs, and clips - but not as much as I've restrained someone to them. For the purpose of dirty, dirty, kinky sex, of course.

5. What kind of sheets (cotton, linen, silk, flannel)? Cotton sateen sheets. I purposely time shaving my legs with new sheet day and those two things combined with the heady scent of fabric softener and a lavender-vanilla pillow mist that I use.....it's absolute heaven.

6. What kind of blankets (cotton, wool, thermal, electric)? No blankets. I have a furry man to cuddle up to. *grins* Although I have a plush brown blanket ("dinky", in our house thank you very much) that I use on my side of the bed between the sheet and comforter on the rare winter night.

7. What’s on top (bedspread, duvet,…)? Topping off my personal hideaway is a comforter. I want to get a down comforter after I learn to sew better so I can make multiple duvet covers. I'm a bit funny about bed coverings. I'm on my 9th set. They either wear out from multiple washings, obtain damage from kitty claws, I get bored with them, they don't match new decor, or like the one that I really, really loved...Od fucking hated it with a passion - it was too hot. It's a dream of mine to find a perfectly weighted comforter that doesn't cause him to break out in night sweats that will still be cozy and snug for me. One of these days.....

8. What kind of pillow (down, foam, fiberfill)? My pillow is dense and squishy, and it smells like coconuts. It's a memory foam pillow, of sorts. It was free with the bed. And it's awesome. Not good for pillow fights, though - someone could break a neck. Not that I remember the last time I had a pillow fight. I should remedy that soon. :)

Bonus: Fill in the blank and answer question.

If _____ comes over, will you let them fuck you on your bed? Yes or no. Not sure how to approach my answer, but let me say this : there's a small number of men who would have a memorable time in my bed should the opportunity arise. And plenty more that have made guest appearances, if only in spirit.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

TMI Blankety Blank

Blankety Blank


Complete the sentences by filling in the blanks.
1. I could spend all day reading  but couldn’t stand five minutes  doing taxes .
2. I would love to have a robot in my house to do the floors  because no one else ever does. (actually I prefer a houseboy to a robot, but I'll accept either.)
3. The older you get the more appreciative  you get.
4. I want to  share Europe with my husband  when I finally convince him to get on a plane  .
5. My appetite for passion can never be satisfied.
Bonus: If I were a hoarder, I would hoard art supplies . (I sort of already do that)
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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

If you're bored...

...and need some summer reading, I participated in an interview. You can read it here.

If you really like it and want more, here's the rest of the women's interviews.

I enjoyed (and stressed over) completing the interview with DD because her questions made me think long and hard about who it is I've become since discovering my kinky self. I almost said kinky side, but I'm convinced kink has taken over. Satisfied or not.

I wrote my answers back in February so you'll notice more enthusiasm than you might find today, but it's a journey through my thoughts about my sex life as it was then.

Let me know what you think, or in the least let DD know you stopped by!

The very merry month of May. Or was it?

I meant to share my progress at least once during Masturbation Month, but didn't. Then I meant to do a recap at the end of the month, but didn't. So here we are almost a month later and I've just now mapped out the plan to share my results. I know why it took so long. I'm avoiding the Big Ugly Thing that happened. I do that sometimes. Right now I'm in a mindframe to be all inclusive with my info. In lieu of the scheduled TMI, I'm posting this instead. I think you'll find it appropriate. This is way TMI.

I started a daily journal throughout the month for myself and for Od. A few days into May there was a marital catastrophe. For the previous 6 months (maybe longer?) I'd been getting glimpses and notions that our "better" was slipping backwards. I can see it in my previous writings occasionally. It was frighteningly familiar, although inconsistent. I was reading the signs carefully for a long time, not knowing if I was seeing an emerging awful pattern, or just intermittent bad days. It was easy to take a good day and think 'I guess things aren't getting worse.' But those days kept spacing themselves further and further apart. So, emerging awful pattern it was. We were due for a meltdown. (and by "we" of course I mean me. He can ignore something unpleasant for an eternity.) It took Masturbation Month and the intentional focus on our sexuality to bring it to a head. Which it did, relatively quickly.

The month could have been ruined only 4 days in, but I persevered. I think it was knowing I'd be posting the results that kept me from giving in. My emotions, my confidence, my energy, and my happiness all took some serious hits in May. So...for better or worse...I'm offering my daily journal as is, unedited, typos and all :

Freya's merry, merry month of May :

May 1, shortly after midnight : Can't sleep. Purple gspot vibe. Lubed up, massaged gspot gently, builing pleasure until fully aroused, squirted after a euphoric welling of sensations ended in a small burst of happy pussy tears. Not an orgasm, but satisfying. Took the edge off. Relaxed enough to fallasleep. Rating from 1-10: 4.

May 1, 11:30 a.m. : Purple gspot vibe again, added in bullet vibe on clit this time. More vigorous thrusting because I'm alone this time (no risk of waking Od). Build up intesnse from inside. A warm, calm, confident pleasure. No chasing required. Tipped over into orgasm easily. Slight gushing, not as much as last time. Back of my thighs feel rubbery, I'm cum drunk sleepy, and also famished. 30 minutes later I still feel glowing, humming, whatever low resonance adjective works here. rate 7

May 1, 7:45 p.m. : went for my hat trick after all. very clit aware all afternoon and evening, like it was a living thing of it's own, very demanding. I'm blaming the rain and stormy weather for the extra energy. anyway, used bullet on clit while watching gay porn. orgasm was a finicky little bitch and made me chase her down. took longer than other two in the day. rate 6

May 2, 11:30 a.m. : used lelo soraya. took a long time and switched up thrusting method a lot. finally came, but was working up a sweat. wth? sort of frustrated afterwards from the effort it took to cum. headache intensified, not receded. rating 6

may 3, 9 p.m. : joined od while he masturbated with my bullet.. played with gspot vibe while he played, waiting my turn. slightly distracted by his presence. i needed my bullet, so i waited, amped up the verbal volume to speed him along intentionally to push him over the edge. i was overstimulated internally by that time. light was on, i felt too exposed, too disconnected, even when he took over the gspot vibe. no foreplay, no kissing due to cold, it felt forced, i got close a lot of times, but extended vibrations numbed me out and it was too intense when he pushed firmly. i gave up, became emotional, things bubbled out and i found words for feelings that had been present for a few months. terrible timing. not pleasant. depressed afterwards. things are apparently not okay. no orgasm, but technically I masturbated. whatever. might be my sex life for awhile. fml. im nothing if not stubborn, though. im still gonna do this thing. fuck it. rate negative.

may 4, 8:30 a.m. : after shower before I needed to make the bed. used hands over chest, stomach, vulva, then panasonic vibe. couldn't keep mind from wandering to stressful thoughts over and over again. barely got a twitch or tingle of interest. more like a massage than masturbation but i'm counting it. no orgasm, no real desire for one. too depressed, upset, sad, whatever. sexuality and happiness go hand in hand. now i'm evenmore sure of it. better luck tomorrow, but i don't count on it. rating 1

may 5, 11 p.m.ish : exhausted from long day. Mentally, physically. Laying in bed trying to tune the thoughts and feelings of the day out, remembered I haven't had any alone time. I take a few minutes to play, explore with my hands. I confirm my pussy is still there, but not much else. Sad thing is, i could really use an orgasm to fall asleep, but my mind and body won't cooperate. I'm still counting it though. i made an effort. rating 0

may 6, after midnight (so technically the 7th) but within my waking hours, so it's still good in my book. Again, couldn't sleep, tumblred for a bit, tried to listen to music, then podcasts, then decided to give masturbation a try after having called the day a wash. I used my lelo and knew instantly that my body would cooperate. my pussy responded enthusiastically and after a few stop/starts because I tried really hard not to wake Od I finally came. It was with pleasure, it was with relief, and it was with enough release for me to use the oxytocin to fall asleep. I quickly cleaned up and made good use of the afterglow. Finally. rate 6 (if not for the pleasure level, than for the relief)

may 7, 10:30 am : I knew that I should make good use of my alone time because I was feeling the need for some ass play. I tried out the blue dildo previously used for Od, and i really liked the way it felt in my own ass. Laying on my side i reached behind me to work the dildo and after I found a rhythm, applied the bullet in between my clenched legs to hold the vibe in place. The angle was tiring after awhile and i tried something else that was new. I sat up on the bed and rocked with the dildo inside of me and used my hands to barely touch my clit. That was practically unnecessary. It took some time, but I had what can only be described as an anal orgasm. I don't know. It was gentle, mild, but extremely pleasurable, but not in the throbbing-clit-pussy-clenching kind of way. Weird, but I loved it. rate 7 for novelty.

may 8, 10:00 : again leaving it until down around the wire I seized the opportunity for solo pleasure. I was media multi-tasking...watching t.v. with my ears, reading on my epad and checking email, tumblr, and blog updates intermittently on my iPhone. Od went to take a shower so I used the guaranteed alone time. He has tragically poor timing in general : asking to help with grocery bags as I walk in with the last of many... calling me on the phone during the last 5 minutes of a movie I'm watching or during an exciting part of a book I'm reading...and of course walking down the hall or coming into the bedroom at a crucial moment while I'm masturbating. We joke about it, but yeah...now was not the time for disturbances. I had a good 15-20 minute window so I pulled out my bullet, and loaded some porn on my phone. I relaxed and worked the vibe back and forth in painting like motions over my clit while the soundtrack of a very verbal man receiving an apparently satisfying blowjob played in my ears. I just needed the sounds of pleasure. My orgasm was not a sure thing at first, but in the second and third play of the short clip I got worked up enough and eventually came at the same time as the man in the video. rate 6

may 9, late, after midnight but within waking hours, again, I'm counting it : we went out to dinner and a movie, on the way home he asked me a question that lead off our first direct talk about our problems since "the blowout". we continued talking for over an hour in the garage, resolved some hurt feelings enough to kiss and make up. it was a major relief. he offered that he'd kept his promise of reaching his goal save one day. I offered a tidbit about my activities and when we went to bed i broached the subject of helping each other out so we did. it was a comfortable reunion. lots of passionate kisses. i was only slightly nervous about including my breasts and any negative thoughts that might occur, but it wasn't a problem. we focused on my pussy, which was a nice change to be honest. using the penis sleeve like a dildo he fucked me and I used my vibe on my clit. i chased that feeling all over the place and had what felt like a gspot orgams, (thought i gushed, but no) and the prolonged vibrations were beginning to tingle/burn and the intensity became overwhelming. it took a few thrusting tempo changes to get in "the zone" where i felt the orgasm building and i think the tenseness of the last few days had me on edge and holding in but he said all the right things encouraging me to let go...so i did. it was cathartic. pleasurable, intense, but more like a healing. right after i asked him to pull the toy out and with a growl i rolled him over, mounted him and rode him. he stopped me long enough to yank my tank top off and with spirit in his mouth he gripped my hips and set the pace to a quick and easy orgasm. sleep soon followed along with the best 5 hours of sleep i've had in a week. thank fucking god. rate 7

may 10 : i totally dropped the ball. no masturbation. no orgasm. i was happy to crawl in bed next to a sleeping Od and curl up to his back while I scrolled through tumblr on my phone. i welcomed the comfort and the sleep that soon found me. no desire to masturbate.

may 11 : watched a video clip on my phone and used the panasonic vibrator on my pussy over the sheet and came at the same time as the guy in the video. easy, quick. rate 5

may 12, late at night : after we nursed od fingered me prepping with lube then sucked on my nipples while i steared the lelo. rate 6 afterwards we had a surprisingly long sex session. i worried somewhat that he wouldnt be able to finish. side effect of building stamina. he worked up a sweat!

may 13 : i skipped. not even vaguely interested so i didnt force it. lazy rainy day. i spent the last few hours of the day in bed reading and im sure (as i was nude) that my hand wandered between my legs to pet. if that counts. it was with no intent for pleasure, just wandering hands...because i could.

may 14, morning : i joined od while he masturbated after we nursed before getting ready for the day. i used my panasonic at his suggestion. i got distracted watching him and turned it off after he came. while he wandered around playing beat the clock i tried again, and through that buzzing numbness that sometimes occurs I came. short, quick, mild. slightly a letdown, but still okay. a side effect of early morning (not my best time) being distracted (by watching od instead) and no physical connection (feeling on display) rate 4. BONUS, late evening: after tumbling for awhile I found a video that got me hot and bothered for some pussy licking so I molested Od when we went to bed. He did a superb job in my favorite position (him on his knees at the end of the bed and my ass on the edge with my legs draped over his arms/feet resting on his shoulders) then fingered me until I had a gspot orgasm and we had some seriously hot sex afterwards. It was physical, aggressive, and I squirted for the first time while having sex. Fucking awesome. rate 6

may 15, : used the panasonic after my shower along with the purple gspot vibrator I have. left a huge wet spot. again. rate 6

may 16, : one of those days where it was fine, la la la until a certain point. then unexpectantly it went to utter massive shit. I actually hid downstairs on my laptop for a few hours until the kids went to bed, then I still needed to zone out so I watched amovie until after midnight. went to bed exhausted. didn't even cross my mind.

may 17, : used lelo while I watched some porn on my phone in the bedroon. it was a stress reliever mostly and a to-do item on my list. didn't want to miss another day. but it was pleasureable and easy to achieve. i like those days. rate 6

may 18, ???

may 19 , Od licked my pussy and used purple gspot toy, then I used bullet on my clit as he continued with toy. i came easily. rate 5. Then had sex although he didn't cum as he'd already cum on my ass from grinding earlier.

may 20 early evening : He used the penis sleeve to fuck me as i controlled bullet. a gspot stimulated orgasm combined with clitoral. rate 6 would be 7 but my pussy squeezed the toy out on the downthrust and got refused re-entry and slipped on my vulva and clit painfully. then i climbed on top and rode him briefly until he came.

may 21 after late night argument the previous night i dont want to do anything. no sex no masturbation no nursing. im just so tired.

may 22, : nope

may 23, afternoon: two orgasms in a row using lelo while watching porn. rates 5 and 6

may 25, bedtime : od used penis sheath on me after going down, and i used bullet. rate 7

may 26, afternoon : after oil bath i used purple gspot vibrator in my ass, bullet on clit, came fast!!! rate 6 evening : sucked od's cock at edge of bed while he fingered me leaning over me, then fucked me doggy style on bed while i used the panasonic rate 7

may 27-30, period. no play. gave Od handjobs, 2 i think.

may 31, noon : lelo watching porn. easy, quick orgasm right on the surface with no warm up and little pressure. gspot verrrrrrry sensitive. actually had to edge for a minute or two so it wasnt over too quickly! rate 5 (day 5 of period)

I did some note taking and after tallying specific results I found that :

• I masturbated 23 times
• I had intercourse 5 times (really. that's all. very telling)
• in all that activity combined I had 19 orgasms
• only one orgasm was without the help of a toy
• my average pleasure rating of a sex act was 5.12 out of 10.
• I squirted 4 times
• my ass was involved 2 times. (solo self play only. also very telling)
• 9 times there was either no masturbation or no pleasure involved whatsoever
• 3 times the sex act left me feeling worse afterwards
• Od and I were together for 10 out of 28 sexual acts
• he was solely responsible for my orgasm only one time
• I used porn 6 times
• my most used toy is a bullet vibrator (10 uses) followed by a tie between my Lelo soraya (6) and my purple gspot vibrator(6) followed by my trusty old Panasonic personal massager (5) and trailing that is the penis sleeve as a proxy dildo (3) with the Vixen dildo and my own hands coming in last (1)

I've observed that his almost daily masturbation (he says he missed a handful of days) caused a rise in his endurance, which would have been nice if I could have used it to my advantage more than 5 times. I noticed it more during handjobs, sadly. Our ANR took a serious hit because I pulled away from him physically in all senses twice during the month. My production went way down, and even though we resumed daily "snuggles" I'm just now at 50% of what I was producing before. I also realized while making my notations today that even sex feels like masturbation because it requires some toy use for me to get off. Yes, I know that any orgasm is usually a good orgasm. And yes, I know plenty of women use that method regularly to climax during sex. What bothers me is that it didn't use to be the case for me. I loved that I had the ability to have a hands free orgasm through sex. They weren't the most intense of all my orgasms, but they were the most fulfilling because of the intimacy. I miss that. I miss that desperately. I know it sounds negative to say, but honestly it's how I feel at times : I'm not having the sex life I want because my husband doesn't put forth the effort I need.

There. I said it.

I noticed the change when I decided to pull back on my efforts to initiate everything. I let him lead. Only things didn't go very far. It occurred to me that my successful sex life was a product of my own fabrication. He was willing to play along. But I found myself doing all the work. Really? How much work is the right amount before it begins to feel like coersion? Coersion's not sexy. It doesn't make my pussy wet. It doesn't give me the feeling of being wanted. I'd go so far as to say it made me feel as if I was forcing myself on him and he was politely tolerating me.

And we can forget about anything kinky. Aside from a brief stint in his cage back in March...there's been nothing. Hints and empty promises, but not much more. I'm bored sexually. It sounds harsh. I don't mean it to be. Yet, it's the truth. On one level, there's the things I'd do if I had a willing partner to get my hands and toys on. On a lower level, there's the things I get to participate in indirectly, which calm my inner kinky beast temporarily while at the same time causing frustration because I can't be there. Then under that, there's the tangible day to day sexual relationship that I'm in. It's lacking. I find myself more frustrated than satisfied. I'm becoming a spouse who settles for less. And that's a sad thing. We had so much promise. We tried things out, dipped our toes in a lot of kinky waters, but ultimately he chooses to only think about kinky things and I actually prefer to do them. Need to do them. I feel like Benny in Circle of Friends when she gives her speech about being marched to the top of the mountain to see the whole wide world only to be told "That's what you can't have, you stupid article!!!" And then she gets marched back down to continue on with her previous existence.

Will this change? Right now I'm doubting it. Can I be happy with a man who loves me and shows it romantically, just not enough sexually? Yes I can. But I'll be paying a price. Let's hope I don't go broke.