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Thursday, April 7, 2011

HNT Do over and a funny

We have a moderate sense of propriety in our home. And that's about it. Sometimes I'd rather not get fully dressed to go to the laundry room to iron the clothes I need to wear for the day, so I give out a warning  before I dash down the hallway in my bra and undies. At some point in their lives our kids have figured out that Od goes commando. It probably involved laundry observations and basic equations, followed by a simple question and an honest answer.

I believe in being honest with my kids. Age appropriately honest. There are no areas of conversations that I avoid to save them or myself embarrassment. Believe me, they know this. When teenagers push boundaries like bedtime, and are staying up later and later (encroaching Mom and Dad's alone time) you just have to lay the truth out there with a touch of shock value. This does 2 things. It combats the inevitable argument about why they think they should get to stay up as late as they want, and it subtly reinforces the idea that responsible parenthood does not, in fact, equal the death of a sex life. Closed doors mean you better knock first and request entrance and "now is not a good time" means go away or suffer the consequences.

What I'm getting at is that we do our best to keep our private life private. *heavy sigh* Most of the time. Yesterday I slipped and it ended in one of those stories that my kids will probably be telling for a long time.

I was helping my son take photos for a class project. (at the last minute, naturally) The memory card wasn't cleared of all photos, but I triple checked that thing for naughty photos and deleted them all. (so I thought)
We took the required photos, I handed him the card to do his thing on the computer and about 5 minutes later I hear my two kids collaborating in the bedroom hallway (never a good sign) and my son asks " Hey Mom? Why is there a picture of your nipple on this card?"

Of course, being ridiculous like I am, I bust out laughing. It can't be helped. Things can't be unseen at this point and I hear my daughter yelling "Mother!!!" in a mocked outrageous tone of voice. In less time than I can calm myself, Od has raced upstairs to son's room and when I meet him there (as daughter gives me disapproving looks and continues her attempt at shaming me) he has son pushed to the side and is clicking, clicking, clicking. I'm searching the thumbnails for the incriminating evidence, and...........ah. There it is.
 Oh, yeah. I remember that. As soon as I see proof of my indiscretions I cover son's eyes. Really? What good am I doing? None. As we're all standing at the computer desk in son's room with daughter blocking the only escape (and she's still harping at me with things like "Why would you take a picture like that? That's inappropriate!" ) I look around. And they're all looking at me. 'Cause, you know...it's my nipple on the monitor - makes sense. My husband is smiling as if to say "serves you right, should've cleared the card better". Son is vibrating in his desk chair from silent laughter, but seeming nonchalant about the whole thing. Daughter is keeping up with her beratement, going on with "Who even does things like that?" (but believe me, she thinks this is funny because she now has the goods on me - the person who usually nails her little ass to the wall when she messes up)

I do what anybody else would do. I deflect. "Well, your dad took the picture, so ask him!" Yep. I did it. I totally tossed him under the bus. He looked at me with astonishment, because I just told a lie to my children to save a little bit of dignity. He and I both know he had nothing to do with that picture. I silently dare him to contradict me. Wisely - he doesn't. He does what any good man would do. He takes the hit and saves his damsel in distress. Now daughter lays into him with comments about being a pervert and setting bad examples for innocent children. (she'll be such a good mother some day.....)

He takes the card back to clear it and I walk away spouting life lessons over my shoulder like "See? That's why naughty pictures are NEVER a good idea! Don't do it or you'll regret it!" which I followed up with a quick NDA laced with subtle threats and motherly guilt. Let's hope it sticks.

When I finally untangled myself from that ugly monster of a situation I  walked into the kitchen to be met by my husband who casually mentioned "Wow. I didn't even see that bus coming." I think he was secretly relieved that I managed to delete the photos of him that were on that card. Because explaining why Dad took a sneaky photo of Mom's boob is easier to process than trying to understand why Dad is strapped to the bed on all fours, naked with a cock ring on and a hand print on hiss ass. Doncha think?  ;)


Libidinous Man said...

Nice nipple, when are you going to post the handprint pic?

GoodWill said...

hahaha...that's awesome. sounds like you guys handled it well, in a funny but appropriate way. i can't say that i would be as well-composed if that happened to us (granted, we don't have kids, nor intend to, but that's another story).

Love the pic too, HHNT!

Anonymous said...

Ha Ha Ha, Brilliant!

I remember being in a similar situation but in your daughter's position, found some of my parents porn, didn't let them live it down for aaaages! I think you handled it perfectly, always pass the blame to the guy, got to be done ;)

Advizor54 said...

"Honest isn't always the best policy" comes in handy again. It reminds me of a post I wrote years ago called, "There's a Penis on Your Phone"

H said...

I was so distracted by your hot breast and sexy hands that I could not focus on your text... I am so elusting you right now.

Lusting Lola said...

Omygosh! I totally laughed throughout this entire post. You are hilarious. I totally would've been exactly like your daughter in this situation. Seems like you handled it quite well. :-)

Lovey Kravezit said...

Oh my! I can so totally relate! As I was reading this post I recalled how just recently something similar happened in my home. Your story sounded very much like mine (and I can absolutely hear my daughters voice in the words your daughter spoke.) Loved this story. Thanks for sharing! I laughed.

Max said...

This is laugh-out-loud funny. We've dodged a few bullets here, but never been outright busted. :-)

Anonymous said...

You are awesome! Besides having a very hot and suckable nipple, you know how to laugh when other people would not have done so. Laughter can be the best medicine.

Now, the other picture you mentioned sounds like an entire blog post which I hope to read some day!

France said...

Love the story but the ending really was great!

Freya said...

@LM- thanks! I'd need consent before posting photos of him, but I'm considering it. There's a story that goes along too, of course. ;)
@Will- so glad you liked the pic AND the predicament. Sometimes all you can do is laugh.
@Mrs.- yeah, I remember finding a Polaroid my parents took. Served me right for being nosy, though!
@Advizor- ummm...link please? You have a lot of blog to sift through. I'd love to read that. ;)
@H- elust away. I don't mind at all. :D
@Lola- I would've done the same thing, too! Can't pass up THAT opportunity, right?
@Lovey- thanks for the solidarity. Glad I'm not alone in my hilarious humiliation. ;)
@Max- we've been dodging bullets since daughter was 4 or 5. She's too nosy for her own good. Eventually some things cannot be passed off as "cat toys".
@Marcus- well, thank you. *blush* There's really no point in freaking out. I was downright busted, and caught off guard. What else could I do? You might just get to read about that post. ;)
@France- LOL! The "ending" really was great! I suppose I need to share it now, huh? :D

Anonymous said...

Absolutely hilarious!! Of course it's easy to laugh when your kids were at that age, way back before the digital camera. Thank goodness they never saw the Polaroids...