Love Bug

The actual day that Valentine's falls on this year is little more than afterthought to those who would celebrate it. Sure, there will still be cards passed and boxes of chocolate left to be discovered, and many couples will be turning down the sheets earlier than usual. But the weekend is the best time to celebrate when the holiday falls mid-week. Bigger plans can be made. Relaxed dinners without the stress of a work day. Late night out. More drinks. Possibly even sneaking away for the entire weekend, should you find yourself that lucky.

I made it clear that I hoped for a repeat of last year. Simple really. Hotel room. Jacuzzi bath. Me. Him. Accessories. And lots and lots of loud, fun, deviant sex.

As far as our kids were concerned we were going to be spending the evening in the city dining at an upscale restaurant and staying the night because we didn't want to drink and drive. In reality we were going to be 10 minutes away shacking up and getting down and dirty. Just how I wanted it, too. *sigh.......* It was not to be.

Wisely, I did a quick verbal check-in last week to mention our Valentine's plans. I was leaving the planning to him and I was getting nervous because 1.) he's terrible at any combo of remembering/planning and 2.) I needed these plans to happen like you wouldn't believe, so forgetting was NOT an option. When he stuttered his response about thinking that Valentine's weekend was the following weekend, my high hopes lost their footing for a minute. I regrouped, corrected his misunderstanding, and did the thing I do where I begin calculating the odds of things working out how I'd imagined. Odds were still in my favor. Until Friday.

Our dog has nothing on me when it comes to being alerted by the sounds of someone approaching. I can tell who's in the driveway based on the engine, and I know exactly who is going to walk in the door based solely on the jingle and scrape of their keys as they attempt entry. Imagine my surprise, concern, dismay, and even more concern when I hear Od's keys shortly after lunchtime. He should not be home. Before I can find him I hear the bathroom door being slammed shut. "This is probably not good" I think to myself. And when I see him emerge wearing only half his clothes, a sheen of sweat, and a green complexion as he walks right past me to the kitchen for a glass of water before he heads right back to the bathroom and slams the door again I know for sure my weekend plans went right down the shitter. Along with Od's lunch. And breakfast. And whatever else he'd eaten in the last week, apparently. I mutter an all encompassing "fuuuuuu-uck", then resign myself to new plans. Good thing that room hadn't been booked after all.

I get him squared away in the bedroom, then begin my weekend long damage control. I text daughter to NOT let her boyfriend get dropped off at our house, then promise to make it up to her later. I run errands to the bank, the grocery, and the library after warning the kiddos to save themselves and avoid their dad and that particular bathroom. Upon asking for help with the groceries, daughter informs me she doesn't feel well. This could be due to a myriad of things : she drank too much chocolate milk, has cramps, is tired, would rather avoid having to actually be helpful, or......really doesn't feel well. After grumbling through the grocery unloading with the forced labor of my other teenager I soon found out. She really didn't feel well.

Patient #2 required a bit more hand holding and coddling than the first. While I discouraged her from showering and taking up valuable bathroom time (I was trying to keep things quarantined and one speck of vomit in the hair does not constitute needing a shower) I noticed her phone on the sink. It was on. Puking your guts out does not mandate a need to abandon a conversation, it seems. I took a moment to discuss the inappropriateness of phones in the bathroom - EVER - to her. The things that poor boy must have heard over the phone.

I quickly moved on from silently lamenting my lack of sexy weekend plans and went into self defense mode. I battened down in the t.v. room with my laptop, some DVDs, and snacks. I would have slept in there if sleep was possible on the lumpy beast that serves as our couch. I held off until 4 a.m. before I cautiously crawled into bed fully clothed and facing away from Od.

Lysol wipes, Oust, and Clorox were my best friends this past weekend. My only Valentine action so far was Sunday,  playing chaperone to my daughter and her boyfriend as I took them out to eat and to the movies to make up for their lost plans on Friday. Daughter snapped back to health like only kids can while Od is still suffering and hanging onto his intestinal misery like only he can.

Late last night I was weighing the odds again in my head of maybe attempting some semblance of a date on Tuesday night if Od feels any better by then. Any crazy, hot, hotel sex will have to wait for next weekend at the earliest. As I lay in bed and mentally prepped myself for the Monday task of sanitizing the entire house I heard the bathroom door slam down the hall. Patient #3. The kid whose own doctor wouldn't even know him because it's been so long since he's been sick is now sick. Violently. In the bathroom. All night.

It's now Monday and all signs are still good from me. I know I'm probably cursing myself for even typing that sentence. There's probably multiplication and mutation of unwelcome varieties going on inside me right now. Time will tell. I hope I make it out alive.

Happy happy joy joy

So.....I'm thinking that this summer might not be so bad.
I made a plan.
I gathered the kids and laid it out.
No sleeping in.
The day starts right away with breakfast and regular chores.
We hit the YMCA followed by lunch.
Then we have the day for the pool, library, movies, amusement park, etc.
The one big stipulation is this : everyday, without fail, each of us has 3 extra jobs to do.
I make the list, they choose from the list.

Yesterday my son informed me "Oh yeah, I'm done with exams. Yesterday was my last day."
?????????
I said "Good. You can get a head start on your projects."
He washed his car, took care of the dog, made his bed, swept the driveway, cut down some weeds, and moved the fire pit woodpile.
I bought him lunch. He was happy.
Today my bathroom got cleaned, carpets and couches vacuumed, tree house lumber is denailed, oven drawer cleaned out, herb pots are shiny, papers and junk mail shredded, and windows got washed inside and out.
I bought them lunch again.
I got a "thank you" for that.
They're actually in good moods considering they worked all morning and afternoon.
Oh! And they did their own laundry, too.

I hope this pattern holds up. I can't believe it's worked 2 days in a row. I'm beyond happy.
And the cherry on top?
Son got a call for a job interview!

This shit better be real when I wake up tomorrow. That's all I'm sayin'.

Almost forgot. I'm giving Friday Facts a rest for now. Thinking about putting up a formspring widget instead. Maybe. As with anything....... if I can figure it out. ;)

Have a good weekend!
*hugs*

TMI Tuesday 5/31/11 and girding my loins this very minute

I'm just curious. Are there any other moms out there who are experiencing the tight panic in their chest at the realization that you only have mere days of freedom before............summer break? It's a dirty word around here.

My son needs a job - desperately - but hiring is as rare as unicorns around here, and I don't know what to do with him. I suspect he thinks his time will be spent frolicking with his girlfriend. (another dirty word) He has neither the privilege nor gas money to do such. It won't be pretty when he's made aware.

My daughter's favorite weekend past time is sleeping in, taking long showers, and doing her hair - so she can lay in the sun and sweat - only to come back in an hour later, shower again, do her hair, and take a nap. I suspect she plans on extending this routine through the whole summer. Again - it won't be pretty when she realizes this won't be happening.

It generally takes me a month to get them whipped into shape (not literally, I save that for Od!) before they can be considered human and fit for polite company.

I'm preparing for battle as I write.

Wish me luck.

I'll leave you with this week's TMI post.

1. What time did you go to bed last night and were you alone?
I went to bed around 11 p.m. I was alone for as long as it took Od to shower and join me.

2. If you could be given ANY gift what would it be?
I want an unlimited travel fund and a week month long freebie pass with no repercussions. Yeah. That'd be really nice. *sigh*

3. What was the last film that really moved/disturbed/thrilled you and why?
I tend to absorb movies and move on quickly. I watch a lot of DVDs. I was moved by The Painted Veil a year or two ago. Edward Norten and Naomi Watts I think. I was disturbed by The Hills Have Eyes. I can't watch movies like that. And I was thrilled to recently watch Water for Elephants. Loved the book. Loved the cinematography. Loved the actors.

4. What is your favorite way to wake up and what is the first thing you do?
My favorite unexpected way to wake up is alone in the middle of the bed with an early morning rain/thunder storm. The first thing I do is root deeper into the covers and fall back asleep to the sound.

5. You’ve been granted an extra hour in the day, what are you going to do?
a. Sleep more
b. Extend a sexual interlude
c. Shop
d. Finally fit in that workout that you usually can’t make time for.
I'm going to say none of the above. I'm going to say I'd read more. In a totally quiet house. Because that's more difficult to come by than the other options.

BONUS:  Are you in love or lust?

I'm in love and in lust. Both usually with my husband. Sometimes the lust is reserved for others. Isn't that what we sex bloggers do?  ;)

TMI Tuesday 5/10/11

TMI Tuesday

This weeks TMI is based on the 7 Contrary Virtues, each one stands in direct opposition to one of the 7 deadly sins, which were addressed in last week’s TMI Tuesday.

1. CHASTITY - Not just moral wholesomeness but treating sexuality with due reverence and respect. It’s too late for you horny people to be virgins, and I know you can’t practice chastity. So…if you had to cut back on one sex act, for 90 days, what would that be? BTW…How old were you when you lost your virginity?

First of all, ahem, who says I can't practice chastity? As a matter of fact I do.  ;)  But, knowing myself the way that I do, I know that nothing makes me want something more than being denied of it. I'm a brat in that way. Can't help it. And I love variety in all things, so I wouldn't want to cut out any options. I want it all. I'm a brat that way, too. However - in the spirit of playing along I would give up the 69 position. Not the individual acts involved - just the synchronized act.  It's not something we do a lot, anyway.

I lost my virginity when I was 15. And a half. :)

 
2. TEMPERANCE - Learn how to control sexual desires rather than fulfilling them. I know many of you are wanking double time in honor of May Masturbation Month, what’s the longest you’ve gone without masturbating? Was it self-induced or did someone command you not to masturbate? Did you find it frustrating or liberating?
Since I've started masturbating (around age 11 I think) the longest I've gone was probably 3 months or so. It was early in my second pregnancy. I was being overly cautious and avoiding all sexual activity due to a previous scare. It was neither frustrating or liberating - just necessary for my well-being.

3. CHARITY - A willingness to give, freely and without request for commendation. Have you ever had sex relations with someone just because you felt badly to turn them down or you felt sorry for them?
I've certainly done some things based on "eh, why the hell not?" I even had a brief relationship based on that attitude. But never because of pity.
  
4. DILIGENCE - A zealous attitude and careful nature toward living and sharing. Are you a diligent lover? Do you offer more than 10 minutes in the missionary (i.e., lazy lover)? What do you do that makes you a diligent lover?
I would LOVE to offer more than 10 minutes. I would love to receive it too, but can we be honest here? After sufficient foreplay with everyone involved already aroused - 10 minutes seems like a long time to me. Then again I suppose that depends on your style. I just happen to like it hard, rough, and fast. And BTW, there's nothing wrong with missionary.

I would do anything it required to please my partner, but I'm rarely tested. He's very easy to please.

 
5. PATIENCE - Seeking appropriate resolution to conflicts, and on the ability to forgive and show mercy. Your lover never seems to be in the mood for any kind of sexual activity. How patient are you? Do you:
a. Gingerly and sweetly try to talk to them about it and coax them into being in the mood.
b. Force yourself on them by making them feeling guilty about “denying” you so you get pity sex.
c. Do you go off and masturbate to satisfy your urges?
d. Hang your head low and hope tomorrow will be the day he/she is in the mood for nookie.
I can count on 2 fingers the number of times I've been turned down. Once was a very long time ago and I was in the mood, and began initiating. Clothes hadn't even come off yet, but we were making out pretty heavily. It was just getting good. Then he made some excuse, aplogized and wandered off. I was left stunned, alone on the bed wondering what had just happened. Gotta say - it stung. The other time was more recently (in the past year) and his stomach was bothering him. Perfectly understandable. No big deal. I can't say that I've dealt with him "never seeming to be in the mood". If I'm up for it, he's up for it. I would never do B. I don't want to be a part of anything pity related. I already do C as it is. D is not my style at all. I suppose A is my best bet. I can be pretty convincing! ;)

6. KINDNESS - Manifests as the unprejudiced, compassionate and charitable concern for others.
You are an enlightened sexual being full of sex positivity, confidence, and you love sex! Your motto is to “practice random acts of sexual kindness.” I’m curious what would your most prolific act of sexual kindness be? Why?
I can't say that I would give away just one thing. I'd like to tailor my offerings to the receiver. I know there's a lot of deserving men who are lacking what they desire most. I'd love to be able to fulfill their needs if I was in a position to do so. So you tell me. What's it gonna be?
 
7. HUMILITY - modest behavior, selflessness and the giving of respect. When are you prone to modesty? In what ways do you look out for the interest of others doing things not from selfishness?

I'm prone to physical modesty. Not prudish - just modest. Of all the lessons in childhood that I learned, a sense of social propriety was the one that stuck the most. I have a hard time letting that one go. I'd say that offering advice is a way that I look out for others. If I have relevant or helpful information then I like to share, because it's always welcome when I need it, too. I love the "pay it forward" concept.

Bonus: Your lover has made you mad but he/she is clueless and is making sexual advances. You:
a. Stay miffed or irritated at your lover and refuse to have sex
b. Rebuke your lover’s advances and tell him/her “not now because I am upset with you”
c. Set the anger aside and have great make up sex
d. Have selfish sex and do only what you want and take what you need with no regard for reciprocal satisfaction

A or B.  If I'm mad, the impossibility of sex is made well known. C is out. I can't recall ever having make up sex. There's "okay we're not mad anymore, back to the previous program" sex. Now that I say that it sounds kind of.......pitiful. LOL And D would never happen. Anger is a passion that overrides lust. Not to mention that D nullifies the GGG relationship that we've built.

And in other news.......we finally discovered why our new furry family member was so stinky. It was her mouth. She was teething and that causes some type of temporary gum infection. It's now gone, thank goodness. She's a lively addition to the house. She's learning her no-nos and plays fetch better than our dog. She brings her catnip mouse over and drops it in my lap and the game begins. She'll play for an hour. It's so entertaining to have a cat around again.

And, after enjoying ourselves immensely in DC we were more than proud to see our son on stage as a finalist in his BPA category. He didn't place in ther top three, but 5th place out of 48 on a national level is something to be very proud of. He did very well. I'm so happy we were there to help him celebrate his accomplishment. What was really fun to witness was how well he took charge of the group when we toured DC Friday night. His comfort level with finding his way around a new place with new situations was rewarding. Just another sign that he's getting closer to letting go.

I

From the mouths of babes.....

A very Happy Mother's Day to every women whos has filled any important role in anyone's life. Our mothers - because we're all here because of them. Our grandmothers - who at times are better than moms because we get all the love (if not more) of a mother minus the pressure to behave or be responsible. Grannies love us no matter what. Our daughters - in whom we place our hearts the day they are born and also the hopes and prayers that they'll be even better than us some day. Our sisters - who we grew, played, fought, and made up with. Somewhere along the way to adulthood they turned into people we really liked. (or did we turn into people that they really liked finally?) And all of the roommates, neighbors, coworkers, and best friends that have been there for us. It matters not if it was to share a laugh, a trouble, a heartache, a grievance, or a joy. When a person is there to support you - that's what matters most.


WHY GOD MADE MOMS
 Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

 Why did God make mothers?
 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
 2. Mostly to clean the house.
 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
 3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

 What ingredients are mothers made of?
 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

 Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
 1. We're related..
 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

 What kind of a little girl was your mom?
 1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
 3. They say she used to be nice.

 What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
 1. His last name.
 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

 Why did your mom marry your dad?
 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
 2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
 3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

 Who's the boss at your house?
 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
 2. Mom.. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
 3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

 What's the difference between moms and dads?
 1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends..
 4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

 What does your mom do in her spare time?
 1. Mothers don't do spare time.
 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

 What would it take to make your mom perfect?
 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

 If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
 2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

HNT Do over and a funny

We have a moderate sense of propriety in our home. And that's about it. Sometimes I'd rather not get fully dressed to go to the laundry room to iron the clothes I need to wear for the day, so I give out a warning  before I dash down the hallway in my bra and undies. At some point in their lives our kids have figured out that Od goes commando. It probably involved laundry observations and basic equations, followed by a simple question and an honest answer.

I believe in being honest with my kids. Age appropriately honest. There are no areas of conversations that I avoid to save them or myself embarrassment. Believe me, they know this. When teenagers push boundaries like bedtime, and are staying up later and later (encroaching Mom and Dad's alone time) you just have to lay the truth out there with a touch of shock value. This does 2 things. It combats the inevitable argument about why they think they should get to stay up as late as they want, and it subtly reinforces the idea that responsible parenthood does not, in fact, equal the death of a sex life. Closed doors mean you better knock first and request entrance and "now is not a good time" means go away or suffer the consequences.

What I'm getting at is that we do our best to keep our private life private. *heavy sigh* Most of the time. Yesterday I slipped and it ended in one of those stories that my kids will probably be telling for a long time.

I was helping my son take photos for a class project. (at the last minute, naturally) The memory card wasn't cleared of all photos, but I triple checked that thing for naughty photos and deleted them all. (so I thought)
We took the required photos, I handed him the card to do his thing on the computer and about 5 minutes later I hear my two kids collaborating in the bedroom hallway (never a good sign) and my son asks " Hey Mom? Why is there a picture of your nipple on this card?"

Of course, being ridiculous like I am, I bust out laughing. It can't be helped. Things can't be unseen at this point and I hear my daughter yelling "Mother!!!" in a mocked outrageous tone of voice. In less time than I can calm myself, Od has raced upstairs to son's room and when I meet him there (as daughter gives me disapproving looks and continues her attempt at shaming me) he has son pushed to the side and is clicking, clicking, clicking. I'm searching the thumbnails for the incriminating evidence, and...........ah. There it is.

 Oh, yeah. I remember that. As soon as I see proof of my indiscretions I cover son's eyes. Really? What good am I doing? None. As we're all standing at the computer desk in son's room with daughter blocking the only escape (and she's still harping at me with things like "Why would you take a picture like that? That's inappropriate!" ) I look around. And they're all looking at me. 'Cause, you know...it's my nipple on the monitor - makes sense. My husband is smiling as if to say "serves you right, should've cleared the card better". Son is vibrating in his desk chair from silent laughter, but seeming nonchalant about the whole thing. Daughter is keeping up with her beratement, going on with "Who even does things like that?" (but believe me, she thinks this is funny because she now has the goods on me - the person who usually nails her little ass to the wall when she messes up)

I do what anybody else would do. I deflect. "Well, your dad took the picture, so ask him!" Yep. I did it. I totally tossed him under the bus. He looked at me with astonishment, because I just told a lie to my children to save a little bit of dignity. He and I both know he had nothing to do with that picture. I silently dare him to contradict me. Wisely - he doesn't. He does what any good man would do. He takes the hit and saves his damsel in distress. Now daughter lays into him with comments about being a pervert and setting bad examples for innocent children. (she'll be such a good mother some day.....)

He takes the card back to clear it and I walk away spouting life lessons over my shoulder like "See? That's why naughty pictures are NEVER a good idea! Don't do it or you'll regret it!" which I followed up with a quick NDA laced with subtle threats and motherly guilt. Let's hope it sticks.

When I finally untangled myself from that ugly monster of a situation I  walked into the kitchen to be met by my husband who casually mentioned "Wow. I didn't even see that bus coming." I think he was secretly relieved that I managed to delete the photos of him that were on that card. Because explaining why Dad took a sneaky photo of Mom's boob is easier to process than trying to understand why Dad is strapped to the bed on all fours, naked with a cock ring on and a hand print on hiss ass. Doncha think?  ;)

Bear with me...

...but I'm having a proud mom moment. This is where Twitter would come in handy if I were to venture there, but I haven't so you get to listen to me babble.

Anyway - my son participated in a regional BPA competition in the IT category and placed 2nd and made it to state (which is where he is now) and he just texted me to say he gets to go to DC to compete at the national level.

To say I'm proud is an understatement. As a parent to not one, but TWO teenagers, I live for moments like this - where I get to smile instead of bite my tongue and practice my breathing. And to top it off, I'm pretty sure I can talk Od into making it a family trip. It's been waaaaay too long since we've had one.

So that's all for me. I'm sure we'll be celebrating tonight. Have a good weekend everyone!!!  :)