You can only ride so high for so long.
It was only a little dip, but it caused my mood to swing in every which way but calm and rational.
It wasn't pretty.
It was almost every frustration that could possibly occur jam packed into two weeks.
It all started innocently enough. I was in the middle of writing a post about my peculiar lunchdate with my husband. It's still in draft form after starting it three times. It's next I promise.
So my brain was already wrapped around the delicate nature of our new relationship when the old demons decided to join my thoughts.
I had planned on yardwork all weekend - weather permitting. It was high priority and was driving me a little crazy every time I walked by a window. Cluttered patio. Sticks and dandelions in the yard. Leaves in the gutters. Car in the driveway that should be in the garage. Garage that needs to be cleaned so car can go in.
The list was snowballing. So was my impatience. We have to take advantage of the breaks in the weather. There's no "when I feel like doing it" around here or it never gets done. And that's where we were. I go to find Od on a beautiful, sunny afternoon - ready to tackle the yardwork - and he's playing XBOX.
We have an issue with gaming in our house. I'm sure we're not the only ones. Od purchased his very own XBOX when he got addicted to our son's console a few years ago. And he was pretty much parked in front of it for the better part of those years. Needless to say I hate it. When a game gets in the way of a productive functioning life it's a big problem. One I thought we'd solved.
There was a situation a few months ago where I had the opportunity to explain to my husband exactly how much I resented his attitude about gaming. We came to an agreement. He asks to play and has a time limit. He did well with those rules. Mostly. Until the answer was "no" when he asked to play. Until he played for too long and begged off with the lame excuse of not checking the time. Oops. I didn't buy it. He was pushing the limit.
Then on a sunny day where yardwork awaits I can't find my husband. Only I know exactly where I would find him. Sitting downstairs on the usual loveseat, with his stupid headset on, slouched down in gamer's position, looking up at me like "what?" while darting glances back at the t.v. so he can react quickly enough in case his character becomes threatened.
My patience officially expired in that moment. All of the other things on our to-do list were brought into light right next to the yardwork that seemed doomed to NEVER. GET. DONE.
Add in sexual frustration that we'd been struggling with, planning a trip, trying to agree on a few major purchases (which we never do), and on and on..............
I lost my shit. And then I went into a funk. Bad mood doesn't even cover it.
And here's the thing : when I've convinced myself how bad things are, I'm not easily unconvinced.
It takes improvement in the current situation, and time.
Only improvements were slow-coming and I kept taking hits to my mood.
I was having my own pity party where the main course was Disappointment and Anger was the entertainment. It was quite an event. Ran for the better part of 10 days. Luckily it's fizzled out now.
Was it seasonal? Too much stress? Too much thinking? Not enough sex (of the kind worth having)?
I don't know, but after catching up on blog reading that I missed I realize that I'm not the only one.
Others are having sexual issues, are pissed off about work, have too much on their to-do lists, are making themselves crazy with overthinking, and have been in funks of their own.
I'm sorry for your troubles, but it's nice to know it's not just me.
Two good things came from this episode. I had an epiphany and I learned a valuable lesson.
Epiphany : Most of what has upset me in my life is due to a loss of control. It's something that I need to feel balanced and at peace. When I don't have it I get edgy and feel out of sorts. I don't feel the need for micro-management. In fact I hate that. I'd prefer my day-to-day life be a well oiled machine that runs easily and dependably. I don't want anything unreasonable. It's just - enough with the unwanted, unnecessary roadblocks, please?
Valuable lesson : Stop waiting for a frustrating problem to solve itself. Take matters into your own hands and remove the frustration. Ironically, I learned this lesson from Od. He decided to purchase our daughter her third cell phone in 18 months' time because he got frustrated with listening to her complain about her used and abused phone not working. Even though we had previously decided to make her learn her lesson the hard way by going without or settling on our old backup phone. I quickly got on board with his way of thinking and removed a longtime frustration of my very own. Any guesses?
I'll be back later today with this week's Friday Facts. I know I skipped last week, but trust me when I tell you that you were spared. It would have been a long list that read like this :
Did you know :
- that my husband is an asshole?
- my mattress is a piece of shit?
- that all employees of the DMV are miserable cunts?
But it's better, or getting there anyway.
See you in a bit!