Not really a lunch date (Part 1)

Two and  a half weeks after the fact and a lot of thought processing later, I'm still not sure how to tell this story - so let's just jump in, okay?

Od and I are still playing with chastity. Dipping our toes. He seems happy to play along and abide by the rules. Rules are :

• no masturbation for Od
• Freya teases or pleases him as she wishes
• Od pleases Freya as she wishes

Seems pretty simple. I was drawn to the idea of male chastity because it would tie his sexuality in with mine, and cause a more intimate bond. Truth be told, things aren't much different now than they were before except we're both admitting that it's on purpose. He masturbated before, but based on his description not as much as most men. And since he typically waited for me to initiate sex, that hasn't changed much either. What's been fun to see happen is that since his orgasm is off the table unless I indicate otherwise, he's become much more interested in mine. It didn't seem right at first, to be the only person getting off.

I enjoy the male orgasm very much. The lust that drives it, the intensity with which it occurs, muscles tensing, hips flexing in telltale ways, the sounds - everything that comes with it. It's much more showy than a typical female orgasm.  It never occurred to me that he felt the same way about mine. He loves the sounds I make so much that he's admitted it gets him aroused enough almost to the point of cumming when he's going down or using his fingers. And during sex they instantly set him off, when and if I'm lucky to finish first - or at all. Which is the sticky situation we've come to. (pardon the puns)

It's becoming almost impossible for him not to cum. We have a lot of toys that can be used when we play, or when I play alone. I'm really good at figuring out what my body is craving when I decide to play, or when he expresses a wish to make me cum and I agree. But toys don't always fit the bill. I can only go for so long without wanting - needing - to be fucked. Ideally this could happen without his orgasm - but it never does. I've resigned myself to this fact. It's not uncommon in the practice of chastity. But most of those other female partners seem to prefer oral sex over penetration. Not me. *sigh...........* (for the record, that's not a wistful sigh - it's one of frustration)

We've tried many remedies except numbing cream - going slower, condoms, penis sleeves, even using a strap-on. (logistics were amusing with that device, but he still got enough friction from the sheets to cum all over the bed and my ass) There's just no way he's not gonna cum. And it's frustrating because either way, I'm not getting what I want. We could give up chastity and just have sex whenever I feel like it knowing that he'll cum and by doing so give up the benefits of a closer, more intense and intimate relationship. Or, we could continue on with chastity and just not have sex. I can still get off when I feel like it with or without him - it just won't ever be in the way that I prefer. This makes me disappointed, frustrated, and sad. There was a glimmer of having everything the way I wanted, only to find out that it's not up to me to fix this. It's up to him. And he won't. Can't. Whatever. He says it's because he's out of shape. Which he is. And I'm not even going to lie and say that he was super enduring to start with, but it was long enough, ya know? Now it's not. Ever.

And that Tuesday evening was when I ran out of patience and faith that chastity was possible for us. We were using a penis sleeve and had moved to switch positions, and I asked if he wanted to try out the Liberator wedge. He gave me an unsure look and said "Do you want to?" as if it was too much trouble.
"Why not?" I asked, knowing it was right inside the closet and could be in place in 5 seconds.
"I didn't think you would want to."
"Why wouldn't I want to?" My libido was nosediving at this point. Wasting time, wasting time..........
"Oh. Because I came already."
Well, fuck.
"Um, I guess I don't want to now. You've kind of killed it for me." And just like that - Game Over.

He could've kept going. The particular sleeve we have is firm enough. He could've faked it. When I know he's done I have a hard time keeping interest enough to finish because the sense of panic sets in. 'Oh God, do I have enough time?' I'd rather not cum under duress. Actually I typically can't.

So I get up and leave to use the bathroom and collect myself for a few minutes. I want to be sensitive when we talk about this, but he also needs to understand the continued level of frustration I'm experiencing.
So we talk. I tell him that he killed my lady boner - so to speak - and he understood that. I asked him if he knew the difference between tease and denial and being left high and dry. Yeah, he got that. Tease and denial is intentional. It's expected. You know what's going to not happen. Leaving someone hanging is just disappointing. Frustrating. Depressing, almost. I mentioned to him that he had no idea what that felt like. And it's true, he doesn't know. A lot of women do. I wouldn't guess that a single one appreciates it either.

I'm aware that there are times when things just don't work out. It happens. No big deal. But this was becoming the norm, not the exception.

We got dressed and went on with our evening. I was in the kitchen getting a drink, casting glances at him. The kind that say 'I'm disappointed, but I'm not going to say a word'. I wasn't being passive-aggressive. Just guarding my words carefully. If they start to spill, there's no stopping them and I didn't want to say too much and hurt his feelings. I want to better the situation, not worsen it. He grabbed a wooden spoon from the utensil crock and offered it to me with a slight grin and said "Would using this on me make you feel any better?"

He was being cheeky, but it worked. I couldn't help but smile. "Yes it would, but I'm not in the mood for it now" I told him followed by a big sigh.

We sat on the couch like bookends, I was working on the laptop and he was watching t.v. while surfing the internet on the netbook. I kept glancing over at him thinking I was never going to get fucked properly. It started messing with my head and I must have been sighing the whole time. After awhile he shut the netbook and pitifully said "Why don't you just beat me and get it over with?" I shook my head at him.
"Can't. Kids will hear you." I was only half-teasing.

He eventually got up to go to bed and kissed me, offering his flesh one last time.
"Are you sure...........?" he let the question dangle enticingly.
I seriously considered my options for a moment.
"You know what? Come home for lunch tomorrow."
"Okay."

Did he understand what he was agreeing to?
 He'd find out soon enough.

(to be continued)

Friday Facts 4/29/11

Not too much to explain people. I'm Freya and these are facts about me. Volume 3 I believe. So in the name of useless information.......

Did you know :

• that I have dimples when I smile? I got them from my daddy. My mom tells me I've had 'em since the first time I smiled at her and it's one of his traits that she was happy to see passed on.
• I am no longer a dirty blonde? *pouts* I was meant to become a dirty blonde with two tones of highlights. What I ended up being was a redhead. It seems I'm one of a few people whose hair doesn't react normally to hair color. (see? statistical freak, I tell ya) I can't decide if it will grow on me or if it needs remedied. That fun day was only a notch on the post I like to refer to as "How many ways can Freya be pissed off?"
• that I have forgotten how badly kitty scratches hurt like a motherfucker - until recently? I'm well reminded. Good thing she's cute.
• I will be visiting our nation's capital next week? I could use some recommendations on what to see and what to skip. I've never been. I'm excited.
• that I really, really like frogs? About 10 years ago I discovered my adoration for the amphibious creatures. Don't know why - but I like 'em!
• my favorite sex position is plain old boring missionary? It works for me. Usually every time. Not so much lately, though. :(
• that I have a cute little mole on my left cheek? Ummm.....my lower left cheek. It may or may not make an appearance in a future HNT. No promises. (but it is kinda cute)
• I grew up in a house that was part of the underground railroad? I think it was built in 1834. We had a sand and brick floored cellar that was really creepy where the washer and dryer was kept and I refused to go down there for the longest time. I would toss my dirty clothes down the stairs then slam the door and run away as fast as I could. Also, my sister swears she saw a ghost. I never did - thank God.
• I don't think I could live out west? We travelled to the Grand Canyon by car and while it was nice, all the red rock and dirt and general lack of green made me feel anxious. On the way home we got to Missouri before things started to feel "right" to me. It was the sound of wind blowing through leafy trees that did it.
• that I believe gays have the right to marry and I am pro-choice. Not looking for a debate and not shoving my beliefs in anyone's face - but there you have it.

I'm out of facts for this week, but consider playing along. Marcus did, so go take a look!

And as always, have a good weekend lovies. *kiss*

A Dip and A Swing

It was inevitable and hit me pretty hard, but the rollercoaster that I call marriage  finally took a dip.
You can only ride so high for so long.
It was only a little dip, but it caused my mood to swing in every which way but calm and rational.
It wasn't pretty.
It was almost every frustration that could possibly occur jam packed into two weeks.

It all started innocently enough. I was in the middle of writing a post about my peculiar lunchdate with my husband. It's still in draft form after starting it three times. It's next I promise.
So my brain was already wrapped around the delicate nature of our new relationship when the old demons decided to join my thoughts.

I had planned on yardwork all weekend - weather permitting. It was high priority and was driving me a little crazy every time I walked by a window. Cluttered patio. Sticks and dandelions in the yard. Leaves in the gutters. Car in the driveway that should be in the garage. Garage that needs to be cleaned so car can go in.

The list was snowballing. So was my impatience. We have to take advantage of the breaks in the weather. There's no "when I feel like doing it" around here or it never gets done. And that's where we were. I go to find Od on a beautiful, sunny afternoon - ready to tackle the yardwork - and he's playing XBOX.

We have an issue with gaming in our house. I'm sure we're not the only ones. Od purchased his very own XBOX when he got addicted to our son's console a few years ago. And he was pretty much parked in front of it for the better part of those years. Needless to say I hate it. When a game gets in the way of a productive functioning life it's a big problem. One I thought we'd solved.

There was a situation a few months ago where I had the opportunity to explain to my husband exactly how much I resented his attitude about gaming. We came to an agreement. He asks to play and has a time limit. He did well with those rules. Mostly. Until the answer was "no" when he asked to play. Until he played for too long and begged off with the lame excuse of not checking the time. Oops. I didn't buy it. He was pushing the limit.

Then on a sunny day where yardwork awaits I can't find my husband. Only I know exactly where I would find him. Sitting downstairs on the usual loveseat, with his stupid headset on, slouched down in gamer's position, looking up at me like "what?" while darting glances back at the t.v. so he can react quickly enough in case his character becomes threatened.

My patience officially expired in that moment. All of the other things on our to-do list were brought into light right next to the yardwork that seemed doomed to NEVER. GET. DONE.

Add in sexual frustration that we'd been struggling with, planning a trip, trying to agree on a few major purchases (which we never do), and on and on..............

I lost my shit. And then I went into a funk. Bad mood doesn't even cover it.
And here's the thing : when I've convinced myself how bad things are, I'm not easily unconvinced.
It takes improvement in the current situation, and time.
Only improvements were slow-coming and I kept taking hits to my mood.
I was having my own pity party where the main course was Disappointment and Anger was the entertainment. It was quite an event. Ran for the better part of 10 days. Luckily it's fizzled out now.

Was it seasonal? Too much stress? Too much thinking? Not enough sex (of the kind worth having)?
I don't know, but after catching up on blog reading that I missed I realize that I'm not the only one.
Others are having sexual issues, are pissed off about work, have too much on their to-do lists, are making themselves crazy with overthinking, and have been in funks of their own.
I'm sorry for your troubles, but it's nice to know it's not just me.

Two good things came from this episode. I had an epiphany and I learned a valuable lesson.

Epiphany : Most of what has upset me in my life is due to a loss of control. It's something that I need to feel balanced and at peace. When I don't have it I get edgy and feel out of sorts. I don't feel the need for micro-management. In fact I hate that. I'd prefer my day-to-day life be a well oiled machine that runs easily and dependably. I don't want anything unreasonable. It's just -  enough with the unwanted, unnecessary roadblocks, please?

Valuable lesson : Stop waiting for a frustrating problem to solve itself. Take matters into your own hands and remove the frustration. Ironically, I learned this lesson from Od. He decided to purchase our daughter her third cell phone in 18 months' time because he got frustrated with listening to her complain about her used and abused phone not working. Even though we had previously decided to make her learn her lesson the hard way by going without or settling on our old backup phone. I quickly got on board with his way of thinking and removed a longtime frustration of my very own. Any guesses?

I'll be back later today with this week's Friday Facts. I know I skipped last week, but trust me when I tell you that you were spared. It would have been a long list that read like this :

Did you know :

• that my husband is an asshole?
• my mattress is a piece of shit?
• that all employees of the DMV are miserable cunts?

Yeah. It was that bad.
But it's better, or getting there anyway.

See you in a bit!

Friday Facts 4/15/11

So did you have a good week?

My week was full of rediscovering the surprises that come with having a new cat. Snagged curtains (because they're fun to both climb and play hide and seek in), bitten toes (because that's her favorite prey when playing hide and seek), finding tabletop items on the floor (because she's obviously behind in learning her Kitty Rules) and trying to figure out why the hell this little thing smells so bad. Seriously. It's a problem. I've been seranading her all week with the Smelly Cat song from Friends.

I also had an interesting lunch date with Od Wednesday. I'm still processing. I hope to write about that tomorrow.

Other than that I plan on a busy weekend of yardwork - as long as the weather holds out. Here are this week's facts :


Did you know.....

• that I've never done body shots? Which is a crying shame. I have a really nice place to rest that shot glass.
• I've never been in a threesome? But if I had my choice it would be a MFM with 2 bi guys. Sooooo many things to do, and everybody could have fun without limits.
• I was an anal virgin until the age of 36? Od had no interest in it. It took me 6 months to get him ready for it, and I still had to initiate. He was nervous, overly cautious, but it was still amazing. Best first time of anything I've ever done. He still wasn't sold on it. After the 2nd time though, he was a smiling convert!
• I do not wear a wedding ring? I've cycled through many combinations of rings and bands, but gave up wearing anything about 7 years ago due to a persistent skin rash which I teasingly (sort of) blamed on being allergic to marriage. Rash is long gone, but the habit stuck.
• that I only like the second joint Buffalo wing? With mild sauce only. You can keep the drumettes and flaming hot sauce. I'm kind of a wuss that way.
• in elementary school gym class I remember being a finalist in jump-roping and hula-hooping contests a lot? I won hula-hooping and M.E. won jump-roping every. single. time. I always wanted to beat her but never could. That girl would jump rope until the end of class and she had to stop.
• that bird sex confuses me? Maybe not so much the sex as the reproduction process. Really it's the egg I don't get. Like how and when does that come into play? It doesn't help that my parents had a bird that was a boy (supposedly) that turned out to be a girl, and after a year of being in a cage by his-herself, laid an egg. So now they can have immaculate conceptions? WTF? I don't even want to know at this point.
• I'm really bad at remembering names? I can spend hours watching a movie or days reading a book and then be unable to tell you the names of the characters. I can recall almost every detail except names. I'm only slightly better at remembering names in real life.
• that I'm a waterbaby? I loooooooove water. I used to stay in my baths so long that the water would turn cold and when my mom made me drain the tub I would still lay in there and listen to the water swirl down the pipe. Sometimes I'd fall asleep listening to that sound. My perfect vacation would be to flop on the beach somewhere and alternate between sunning and swimming. My kids actually ask me if I'm ready to go home yet when we're at the pool. My answer is usually "at the next break".
• I believe the power of touch is a gift? Some have it, others do not. I have it, and actually considered going into massage therapy for a long time. My son has it too. Sadly, Od does not, so if I want my neck rubbed or my back massaged I have to rely on my son, which as you can imagine doesn't go over very well. My husband can manage a decent foot rub though, when I can convince him to use lotion.
• if weather wasn't an issue I'd either go barefoot or wear flip flops all year? I hate wearing socks and shoes. Boots are my only consolation in this scenario. I do like boots.
• that I've only experimented with drugs once? I took a hit of pot one time, but not sure that it did anything. I was already buzzed at the time and I was told years later that's the wrong order of doing it.

I'm gonna stop there because I have an appointment to keep, but you guys have a great weekend! Fell free to join me and play along!



TMI Tuesday 4/12/11

I thought I'd play along today. Not much going on around here other than I'm occupied with pussy.
Hmmm? What's that? Repeat what I said? Oh. Okay. Pussy is keeping my hands occupied and is taking up too much of my attention lately. Because we have a new kitten.
Perverts. What did you think?  ;)
But seriously. Her favorite place to be is curled up right between my boobs while I try to type. One handed.
But the way she stretches and flexes her tiny paw to rest it on my chin and her soft happy purrs? Completely worth it. It's been more than a year since we've had a cat around and 18 years since I've had a kitten.
I am so owned.

Anyway.....it took me forever to get my answers tapped out, but here they are :

1. What is your favorite part of sex?
The moment of insertion whether it be cock, fingers, or toy - there's just that spot. And when it gets touched my face flushes with heat and my head rolls back from pleasure.

2. Have you asked your significant other or spouse what their biggest sexual fantasy is? Did you like it or are you not interested? What is it? I've asked and only recently has he opened up about fantasies. I like it and am willing to play along - even if it is out of character for me. He fantasizes about serious bondage. I would be tied up, strapped in and positioned however he likes as he fucks me in different ways, and with different things. I'm pretty sure he's got plans drawn up for our remodelled closet. Good news is what's good for the goose..........

3. Do you enjoy phone sex? I've never had it. I spent hours on the phone talking and using dirty innuendos with BF#1, and wrote many, many dirty letters in my time. I actually prefer the written word for getting turned on, but admit I do love the sounds of someone getting off.


4. Have you ever had a sexy nickname? How did you get it? What is it? I've had a few sexy nicknames. My first love (before BF#1) called me Kitten, even after we broke up and he moved away, then moved back and we had grown awkward around each other. He sought me out at our H.S. graduation, hugged me and whispered that he'd always remember me - and called me Kitten.
A security guard at the mall where I worked my first job called me Strut for obvious reasons. Od has even mentioned that one of the things that drew his attention was the way I strutted. I wasn't aware that I strut unintended, but maybe I do?
Od gave me his own nickname when I tried to be sneaky and spring the surprise of lingerie on him while we were still dating We went to my house where I slipped on some stockings and a garter along with a sexier set of bra and panties. The thing is, I had to put my original clothes back on so he wouldn't suspect anything. I was wearing jeans. When we got back to his house I straddled his lap as he was sitting on the couch and began to seduce him. I thought I'd work up to a striptease. I never made it that far. He was running his hands up my thighs and stopped cold. "Why do your legs have bumps?" He'd noticed the garter clasps. Dammit! I confessed to trying to surprise him and he responded by needing to see all of it, right then. He was shocked (in a good way) that I would change into that right under my parents' noses and he called me a mischievous little vixen. MLV for short and that's my contact ID on his phone still.


5. What's your favorite color lingerie? Black, but I've recently purchased some that is peach and cream and was surprised how well the lighter colors look with my skin tones. They make me feel softer and sexy, while black is like an instant naughty power trip. Red is difficult for me to wear without looking like a hooker. On others it's fine. Me? Not so much.

6. Have you ever had sex with "just a friend" and gone back to "just being" friends? I've had 2 friends that became something more and the relationships ended in the usual fashion, but never had a friends with benefits situation.


7. If in a romantic relationship or marriage, what is the best thing about it right now? The safety and security of experimenting and branching out without the fear of rejection. It should be basic in any relationship, but it's taken us a long time to get here. I'm just glad we finally have.

Tumblr = crack

It's so easy and so addictive that Tumblr is like a form of crack for me. It updates frequently, too. Kind of like porn for those with ADD. Anyway, it's eye candy at it's best. And I do like candy!  ;)

Below are some links to my favorite Tumblrs so far.

Thumper's portfolio  Thumper is the guy that normalized the idea of chastity for me and made it seem possible and really fucking hot. He's a married bisexual guy and he has terrific taste in photos. Something for everyone in there.There's a link on his Tumblr page for his blog. Read it. He's so down-to-earth and presents his views in a way that makes me wish I knew him in real life.

Loves to Lick If you're a fan of pussy, or have one and appreciate having it licked, then this one's for you! Enough said.

Ruggedly Handsome This one is all men. Most are overly muscular. Most are very hairy. And bearded. I have a preference for men with body hair. The muscles....eh. Not so necessary. I found this guy there :

Just be warned that if gay scenes bother you, you might want to avoid this site.

Great Looking Cocks Ummmm. Pretty self explanatory. But I'd like to add that most of the time I find myself thinking "there's just no way" a lot of the time I spend there. Still fun to look at though. :)

Intact Men This is all photos of men who are uncircumcised. It's a new fascination of mine. Never had access to one - but God. They look like so much fun. Personal disclosure : I like to play with men's junk. I could play for hours each day. *snort* In fact.........I sorta do!

un ragazzo curioso another one that has a little something for everyone. Artful, erotic, and intimate. just found this one last week.

A Classy Sex Addict She's young, fun, and ecclectic. Again - something for most everybody.

Pull My Hair This girl likes it a little rough, and I've got to admit that her posts hit my submissive triggers. Like this one :

naughtynomics Mostly hetero couples caught in sweet, intense, sometimes kinky and raunchy moments. With gifs thrown in here and there.

love's other trumpet Pretty much all gifs all the time. The address says it all : fuckmaker. Makes me dizzy after a while. But some I can't tear my eyes away from - almost hypnotic!

totally doin it! In the same category as the previous 2, but with fewer gifs and some obvious porn stills.

Thoughts From A Girl Looking At Porn Okay, she's probably my favorite because of the variety of her posts and her added commentary. She's young, loves cock, hairy guys, and gay porn, appreciates curvy girls and admits to being turned on by unusual stuff. I love how she just says what she thinks. and she gets awesome original submissions from her followers. Just good stuff!

Tumbling is like blogging in the way that one link will take you to another, then another, and yet another. Some can tend to look alike because of the reblogging of photos that goes on, but I hope you find something you like!

And if you have any reccs, certainly send them my way!

Friday Facts 4/8/11

I'm trying something new.
I really love the 100 things that many bloggers post about themselves.
But I'd like to approach this differently.
I'll reveal a little at a time - on Fridays.
So here's the first volume of Friday Facts about Freya.

Did you know..................

• that I have naturally curly hair? Not kinky. Just curly. Those cute little nape of the neck curls? yeah- I've got those too. They boing.
•  I played softball for 2 years? 6th and 7th grade. Center field. I was good. Until I got up to bat. I choked in front of the crowd. Too many people watching me.
• that I hate brussell sprouts? Hate. Them. Od loves them, but I refuse to bring them into my house. Same goes for liver and onions.
• my new favorite spa treatment is a facial? It used to be pedicures, but my first facial was last week and "I'm in love, I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it!" (points if you can name the movie I just quoted)
• I have a crush on Steve Carell?
• that I drink out of the carton, but still tell my kids not to? Hypocrite. I know.
• when I got married we eloped instead of having a ceremony?
• that I'm a statistical freak of nature? I hardly fit into any generalizations about "most women". Anything from health, sexuality, social practices, etc...... I really hate that sometimes.
• I actually like my name? So many people seem to dislike the names they were given - why is that? I was named after a very nice neighbor lady that my parents bought their first house from. My dad planted a tree in her yard the weekend I was born and it's still thriving.
• that I'm a lazy recycler? I only do it when Od is looking otherwise he'll say "that's recycleable" for the 1,648,082nd time. When he's not around I pitch it because I know he'll sort it out anyway.
• I'm a bed hog? And a cover hog, too. I'm actually no fun to sleep with at all. Unless you like extremely invasive cuddling, 'cause I get right up in there. :)
• that I never understood why men love girl-on-girl porn? Until I discovered guy-on-guy. But not twinks or greasy steroid gays. Guess you could say I'm particular about the gay male sex I'll never be involved in! LOL
• I'm not afraid of bugs? Unless they touch me. Then they have to die.
• that I have a fool-proof way to stop hiccups? Works every time. I take shallow breaths but exhale very deeply until I can't anymore. Repeat a few times and voila! No more hiccups.
• that my knees creak when I walk down stairs? they have for a very long time. I blame 10 years of cheerleading combined with a few years of dance, but who knows?
• fish freak me out? I have to psych myself into swimming in lakes and ponds because of this. I also have a recurring bad dream about a room with large murky aquariums filled with giant fish that have gaping mouths and clouded eyes. *shiver* I just got the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.

So.....that's a little about me. There's a lot more where that came from, but you have to wait until next Friday. Feel free to join in!

HNT Do over and a funny

We have a moderate sense of propriety in our home. And that's about it. Sometimes I'd rather not get fully dressed to go to the laundry room to iron the clothes I need to wear for the day, so I give out a warning  before I dash down the hallway in my bra and undies. At some point in their lives our kids have figured out that Od goes commando. It probably involved laundry observations and basic equations, followed by a simple question and an honest answer.

I believe in being honest with my kids. Age appropriately honest. There are no areas of conversations that I avoid to save them or myself embarrassment. Believe me, they know this. When teenagers push boundaries like bedtime, and are staying up later and later (encroaching Mom and Dad's alone time) you just have to lay the truth out there with a touch of shock value. This does 2 things. It combats the inevitable argument about why they think they should get to stay up as late as they want, and it subtly reinforces the idea that responsible parenthood does not, in fact, equal the death of a sex life. Closed doors mean you better knock first and request entrance and "now is not a good time" means go away or suffer the consequences.

What I'm getting at is that we do our best to keep our private life private. *heavy sigh* Most of the time. Yesterday I slipped and it ended in one of those stories that my kids will probably be telling for a long time.

I was helping my son take photos for a class project. (at the last minute, naturally) The memory card wasn't cleared of all photos, but I triple checked that thing for naughty photos and deleted them all. (so I thought)
We took the required photos, I handed him the card to do his thing on the computer and about 5 minutes later I hear my two kids collaborating in the bedroom hallway (never a good sign) and my son asks " Hey Mom? Why is there a picture of your nipple on this card?"

Of course, being ridiculous like I am, I bust out laughing. It can't be helped. Things can't be unseen at this point and I hear my daughter yelling "Mother!!!" in a mocked outrageous tone of voice. In less time than I can calm myself, Od has raced upstairs to son's room and when I meet him there (as daughter gives me disapproving looks and continues her attempt at shaming me) he has son pushed to the side and is clicking, clicking, clicking. I'm searching the thumbnails for the incriminating evidence, and...........ah. There it is.

 Oh, yeah. I remember that. As soon as I see proof of my indiscretions I cover son's eyes. Really? What good am I doing? None. As we're all standing at the computer desk in son's room with daughter blocking the only escape (and she's still harping at me with things like "Why would you take a picture like that? That's inappropriate!" ) I look around. And they're all looking at me. 'Cause, you know...it's my nipple on the monitor - makes sense. My husband is smiling as if to say "serves you right, should've cleared the card better". Son is vibrating in his desk chair from silent laughter, but seeming nonchalant about the whole thing. Daughter is keeping up with her beratement, going on with "Who even does things like that?" (but believe me, she thinks this is funny because she now has the goods on me - the person who usually nails her little ass to the wall when she messes up)

I do what anybody else would do. I deflect. "Well, your dad took the picture, so ask him!" Yep. I did it. I totally tossed him under the bus. He looked at me with astonishment, because I just told a lie to my children to save a little bit of dignity. He and I both know he had nothing to do with that picture. I silently dare him to contradict me. Wisely - he doesn't. He does what any good man would do. He takes the hit and saves his damsel in distress. Now daughter lays into him with comments about being a pervert and setting bad examples for innocent children. (she'll be such a good mother some day.....)

He takes the card back to clear it and I walk away spouting life lessons over my shoulder like "See? That's why naughty pictures are NEVER a good idea! Don't do it or you'll regret it!" which I followed up with a quick NDA laced with subtle threats and motherly guilt. Let's hope it sticks.

When I finally untangled myself from that ugly monster of a situation I  walked into the kitchen to be met by my husband who casually mentioned "Wow. I didn't even see that bus coming." I think he was secretly relieved that I managed to delete the photos of him that were on that card. Because explaining why Dad took a sneaky photo of Mom's boob is easier to process than trying to understand why Dad is strapped to the bed on all fours, naked with a cock ring on and a hand print on hiss ass. Doncha think?  ;)